THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
December 2003, VOL. III, # 31
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SISTER CITIES

Cities in different countries are often paired for the purpose of bringing economic or social benefits to both locales. After reading about the U.S. Government’s relentless push to store thousands of tons of nuclear waste at a Nevada site not very far from Las Vegas and the determination of the local Nevadans to prevent it, Diogenes, as usual, has come up with a sensible solution.

Instead of dumping the nuclear waste in Nevada, we should dump the waste in Afghanistan not too far from Kabul. This Asian metropolis would become the sister city of Vegas. There could be a lot of advantages for both places from this arrangement. The Afghans would have jobs in digging out the underground facilities required for the storage of the waste. Also, if there are leaks and water contamination results, the poppy crops may become unusable. The Afghan Government claims it wants to eliminate growing of poppies. If an accident occurs, as it is bound to, won’t it be better to happen in Afghanistan than in Nevada?

Selecting the Kabul area as the site for nuclear waste disposal will make the residents of and visitors to Las Vegas very, very happy. And, I’m certain that the city fathers would prevail upon the casinos to ship their old one-arm bandits to Kabul so that the Afghan two-arm bandits could open some Islamic casinos. 

WHO WILL LET THE DOGS OUT?

Not the Israelis. It would make too much sense. Almost everyone else in the world uses bomb-sniffing dogs to catch terrorists and other criminals and to prevent tragedies that can kill and maim dozens if not hundreds of people. For some reason, which I cannot comprehend, the Israelis seem willing to let bombers get close enough to a bus stop or an army checkpoint to endanger the lives of civilians and soldiers. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to have a trained dog stop the bombers at a safe distance. Occasionally, a bomber may be successful in killing a dog, but more often the dog will rip out the bomber’s trachea before the bomber can do his deadly work.

MAKE THEM PAY FOR THE COLOR WARS

One day its orange, the next day its yellow and each color is costing the American taxpayer a fortune. If we tote up the cost of security arrangements since 9/11 at the Federal, state and local levels the numbers will be astronomical. We know that al Qaeda could not cause credible fears without having maintained its organization and carrying out attacks in other parts of the world. These operations require financing. So let the Bush Administration get the money from the financers of al Qaeda to pay for America’s security costs. Sounds difficult but it really is simple. Put the squeeze on Saudi Arabia—al Qaeda’s banker—for the money.

Are Bush and Cheney serious about ending terrorism or do they just want to go through the motions to convince the American people that they’re serious. They must stop cozying up to the Saudis like previous administrations did with Saddam Hussein and Yasser Arafat. There is never a long-range benefit of backing a tyranny. We can lay the death of every American serviceman in Afghanistan and many in Iraq at the financial machinations of the Saudis. And, it is Saudi money that is preparing the next generation of Islamic terrorists.

The time is overdue for making the Saudis pay for their evil policies, as well as to break that domestic axis of evil-- the oil companies and the defense contractors that are protecting the Saudis. Having two oil men in the White House may be a problem.

HOLIDAY HUMOR

What would have happened if the three wise Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of the three wise men?
· They would have asked directions.
· Arrived on time.
· Helped deliver the baby.
· Hired someone to clean the stable.
· Made a brisket.
· And brought practical gifts.

And what would they have said to each other after they left?
· "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?"
· "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
· "Virgin? I knew her in school!"
· "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"
· "I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
· "And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"
· "We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."

NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

A funny name story is told about Robert Malcolm Tufts, a minor league pitcher who converted to Judaism. When asked the customary question at his conversion ceremony which Jewish name he wanted, he responded…Sandy Koufax.

Here’s a name that fits. Tammy Sales is a marketing executive at the Marriott Vacation Club in Fort Lauderdale.

Right from the Norwalk, CT police blotter comes a name that deserves special consideration because of parents that were poetically inclined—Hally Fally.

A sort-of-fit: Jay Holder is a chiropractor in Miami Beach.
Not as good as Dr. Bender in Stamford, CT.

HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Germany Develops Super Sub
Should our oil tankers start traveling in convoys?

Suspected Bomber Arrested Near U.S. Embassy In Beirut
We should stop picking on the Arabs. He only was on his way to the Underwriters Testing Lab to see if his battery was attached properly.

Scarf Ban Angers Muslims
1. They shouldn’t get so upset. If it’s a Ralph Lauren-scarf it won’t be banned.
2. Can the Jewish boys wear berets instead of yarmulkas?

Allies Angered At Exclusion From Bidding
Didn’t those guys win bids from Saddam? What else do they want?

Tongue In Cheek (Title of column in a Florida gay newspaper)
Supply your own comment.

200 Elves Laid Off As Santa Moves Operations To Honduras Sweatshop (from Weekly World News)
Who says NAFTA isn’t working?

2004 Might Not Be Looking Up For EU
They’re at each others throats again. We may have to bring back the Central Powers, the Entente, the Allies and the Axis.

IBM Moving More Of Its Software Jobs Overseas
Maybe our workers and other citizens can make sure that IBM has to look overseas for more of its sales.

Connecticut Leader Says He Won’t Quit
He may be a crook and he may have surrounded himself with crooks, but he’s no quitter.

Nader Says He Is Still Testing Third Party Presidential Waters
Stop testing Ralph, the water is over your head.

Poland Takes Pride In Assertive Stance Toward Neighbors
It’s an improvement over the murderous stance the Poles took toward their Jewish neighbors.

Rowland Digs In As Criticism Grows
The Governor should get some of his contractor-friends to do the digging for him.

Thank God We Have Dumb Criminals.
- John Rowland

Sharon’s Limited Vision (editorial headline)
True, but not as limited as the vision of The New York Times

10 Killed As Violence Goes On In Kashmir
Only 10 killed? It must be truce time

Italy’s Leader Vows To Save Big Dairy Company From Bankruptcy
It seems they were skimming more than the milk, billions of lira were slipping through their butterfingers and their financial reports had more holes than a Swiss cheese.

A Deficit Of $100 Million Is Confronting The N.R.A.
They should use their fire power for a major “withdrawal” from a bank.

Again, Jews Fault Mormons Over Posthumous Baptisims
Since the Mormons are trying to “save” Jewish souls, the Jews should reciprocate by grabbing Mormon men and circumcising them to “save” their souls. Turnabout is fair play.

Georgia Beauty Queen Faces Murder Charge
They should have suspected something when her demo at the Miss America Pageant wasn’t singing, dancing or playing an instrument, but knife throwing.

QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

He’s so Southern, he’s related to himself.
- Everglades Tour Guide

George W. Bush looked into the eyes of China’s president and got a new slant on the Taiwan situation.
- Diogenes

Heaven for climate, hell for society.
- Mark Twain

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything. 
- Oscar Wilde

From a single crime, know the nation.
- Virgil

Reporter: How do you feel about giving equal time to politicians?
The King: They should get the same sentence as any other crook.
- The Wizard of Id (comic strip)

People are accustomed to look at the heavens and wonder what happens there.
It would be better if they would look within themselves, to see what happens there.
- Menahem Mendel of Kotsk

Wassail: To be assailed by Christmas carols from Thanksgiving to December 25.
- Diogenes

Complete honesty in word and deed is a good way to get punched out.
- Shanti Goldstein 

Saddam Hussein went all-out to avoid capture by George W. Bush; Ariel Sharon meekly surrendered to George W. Bush.
- Diogenes

The Israelis should protect Yasser Arafat. He can’t defeat Israel,
but he does prevent Israel from committing suicide.
- Diogenes

The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
- John Arbuthnot Fisher

You know the world is going crazy when 
the best rapper is a white guy, 
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, 
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, 
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, 
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. 
- Chris Rock

A.A.R.P. endorsing the Republican Medicare drug bill is like the American Diabetes Association endorsing Krispy Kreme donuts.
- Diogenes

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