THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation
of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
February 2004, VOL. IV, # 8
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER Mc NAMARA 
I am beginning to think that Rumsfeld may be another Mc Namara. You remember him, President Johnson’s Secretary of Defense who kept shipping American servicemen to Viet Nam even after he knew that the war could not be won. He admitted that in his memoirs long after his exit from “public service.” His admission, as far as I’m concerned, is prima facie evidence that his policies are deserving of capital punishment. Even at this late date!

Rummy’s mantra of bringing democracy to Iraq makes as much sense preventing the dominos from falling did during the Viet Nam war. To bring “democracy” to Iraq is not worth the life of a single American. It made sense to take out Saddam, who was a threat to American interests and, maybe, to America, but now that Saddam is gone Iraq is no longer a threat. Why pursue the insane policy of trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again? Except to protect the oil fields, pipeline and oil ports for America’s use, get our troops out of there or Rummy will go down in history as another Mc Namara.



HE HEARD A WOMAN’S VOICE
Harold Bloom, the prominent literary critic and professor of humanities at Yale wrote a book several years ago based on an interesting interpretation of parts of the Torah. Bloom, who wrote more than 20 books on English and American literature apparently held his critical skills in such high esteem that biblical analysis would be no problem to him. In his study, The Book Of J, Bloom claims that he hears “a woman’s voice” in the stream of the Torah which some bible critics identify as the “Book of Yahweh/Jehovah.”

These critics believe that different sections of the Torah were written by different people at different periods. And at some point different redactors or editors stitched the various segment together, apparently, without reading the segments. These schools of biblical criticism are in such disarray that most of the scholars cannot agree as to who wrote what and when.
Then along comes Professor Bloom with his finely attuned literary ear and hears the voice of a woman and not just any woman. It was a woman who lived at the court of King Solomon. And the English translations of the passages that Bloom uses as evidence of his thesis are truly lyrical. But the translation was not done by Professor Bloom, because he does not know Hebrew. If he did, he would have used his own translations. So the voice that Bloom heard may have been distorted. As the old saying goes reading poetry in translation is like kissing a girl through a veil.
Then getting to the translations of the numerous passages, which may by lyrical in English but, apparently, are not faithful renderings of the original Hebrew. At least, this is the comment of the eminent biblical scholar, Robert Alter, professor of comparative literature at the University of California at Berkeley.

Based on his lack of credentials and capabilities in the field, I consider Bloom’s foray into biblical criticism as nothing less than chutzpah. 

All of the foregoing is merely prelude to Harold Bloom’s “hearing a woman’s voice.”

Naomi Wolfe, feminist author and consultant to Al Gore during the 2000 presidential campaign accuses Bloom of sexually harassing her while she was an undergraduate at Yale in the 1980s. In a magazine article, Wolfe claims that sexual harassment was fairly common at Yale. I guess “hearing a woman’s voice” was an occupational hazard among the Yale faculty. But only Bloom heard the voice reverberate over 3,000 years.



WHAT’S WRONG WITH HAITI?
Why are we wasting American lives and resources half way around the world trying to bring “democracy” to the people of Iraq who don’t want it or anything that sounds like it? Right in our backyard there is a nation in turmoil that could benefit from our efforts to build its economy and introduce democracy for a lot less cost than Iraq. It would be a nice gesture on our part since from time immemorial, America has supported the most undemocratic regimes in that nation. When we start thinking about why America prefers Iraq to Haiti, the answers are not very attractive.



BENNY THE BAAL TSHUVA... SORT OF
Benny Morris, one of those Israeli historians who gives historians a bad name, has become somewhat of a baal tshuva-a master of repentance. In his latest book, he backtracks on some of his previous claims that most Arabs who left the newly forming State of Israel in 1947-48 were driven out by the Jews.

Benny along with a gang of other Israeli historians, during the late 1980s and into the 90s, rewrote Israeli history in the light of their extreme left wing views. Not lie or distortion was unused if it would make the Jews look bad and the Arabs look good. Now, Benny has revisited the sources and determined that the Israelis were not quite as bad as he had pictured them and that the Arab leaders bore a lot of the blame for encouraging their people to flee the State. Of course, his leftist psychological makeup prevents him admitting he was totally wrong in the past, although he recognizes that without the departure of the Arabs a viable Jewish state could not have been established.

In a review of Benny’s revised position, Ethan Bronner in The New York Times has trouble accepting his current analysis. As usual, Times reporters and editors are more comfortable with positions where all blame falls on Israel.



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

Here is one that fits. As I was about to make a left turn onto the highway from the left lane, another driver decided, at the last moment, to make the same turn from the right lane. As he cut me off, I saw the name on his license plate: DIDDLE. I am sure this is a name and not a description of behavior. In the 1950s, the basketball coach of Western Kentucky was named Ed Diddle.



THE LITERARY HUMOR CRITIC

As America’s leading “sit-down-comic,” I choose to believe that the following signs were written by not-too-bright average people rather than by clever writers. Call me naive.

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

In a Laundromat: 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Seen during a conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS 

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Amendment Proposed On N.Y. State Casinos
They want to open ownership to non-Indians. Here come the non-Indian tribes of the Sicilianos and Napolitanos brandishing their tomahawks.

Dallas Billboards Target Christians Addicted To Porn
Tear down that damn billboard it’s blocking my line-of-sight to that gal’s bedroom window.

Balkan Report Card: We Are Hastening The Day When Foreign Troops Will No Longer Be Necessary
April 1, 2138?

Turmoil Hits Charity Fund Over Its Handling Of Money
And it’s not even an Islamic charity.

F.D.A. To Delay Its Decision On Morning-After Pill
Do they want to wait until the afternoon?

Priest To Headline Theology-On-Tap
An Irish-man of the cloth, no doubt.

Judges Asked About Gifts For Rowland
Another wise men bearing gifts story?

Bush OKs Relaxed Air Pollution Estimates
Cough, cough, what’s wrong with that, cough, cough, hack, hack?

Nader Searches For His Roots
Has he looked in the Bekka Valley?

If Experience Is Equal Who Gets Hired?
The brother-in-law.

Cruise Ship Returns With Sick Passengers
This is not news. News would be if a cruise ship returned with healthy passengers.

Man Shot To Death At Car Wash
He should have known that cars don’t like to be washed.

Shot Put Champ Tests Positive
When will the athletes learn that the only thing they should be positive about is their attitude, not their drug tests.

End Of The Road For Recycling Company
When it comes to environmental priorities, Americans have their collective heads up their collective asses.

R.I. Pastor-Missionary Shot To Death In Iraq
Bremer May Block Push For Islamic Law In Iraq
He is too late, it’s already in effect

Bush Visits Troops After Controversy Over Service
Theirs or his?

International Red Cross Visits Saddam
1. They are showing more compassion to the bloody dictator than they showed the Jews in the death camps.
2. Did they bring him coffee and donuts?

Ralph Nader Throws His Hat In The Ring
Is that the same as Ralph throws his kaffiyeh in the ring?

Iran’s Reformers Still Upbeat About Elections
I think they’ll be beat-up after the elections.

Poll: 10 Percent Of Voters Think Rowland Is Honest
You can fool some of the people all of the time.

Federal Agents Say Ricin Letters Not Connected
How would they know.

Foreigners Leave Haiti Uprising 
Are they fleeing in small, makeshift boats and heading toward Florida?

Thousands Cheer Bush Economic Policies (Republican National Committee Dream Headline)
Unfortunately, they all live in India and China.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

Cosmo: Mort, I’m worried that I’m going to die all alone!
Mortician: Relax. They just opened a new singles cemetery.
- SHOE (comic strip)

Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to get insulted.
- Sammy Davis, Jr.

Titles distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are disgraced by the inferior.
- George Bernard Shaw

It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes men petty and vindictive.
- W. Somerset Maugham

I write with an axe.
- Jean-Paul Desbiens

Colonies do not cease to be colonies because they are independent.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Describing the depth of antagonisms on his pro-football team: it was like walking through a gauntlet of pit dogs wearing pork chop underwear.
- Lester Hayes

A: Well, they finally found a couple of people who saw George Bush serving in the Air National Guard during those months in 1972 when he allegedly never reported for duty.
B: Really? Who?
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
- The Boondocks (comic strip)

In an unique simultaneous move, all of the Northeastern states adopted the same state motto: “Two left lanes closed.”
- Diogenes

George W. Bush has had an interesting hegira: from the education President, to the Medicare drug benefit President, to the NASCAR President. He fumbled the first two. Let’s see how he does on the third one.
- Diogenes

Every year, for as long as he lives, the Israeli Government at Purim should give Yasser Arafat a new dishtowel so his headdress follows the latest fashion.
- Mordechai Naftali ben Meir

If Mel Gibson wants to picture the truth, as he claims, he should recognize that he is picturing Christianity as slightly diluted paganism.
- Diogenes

Diogenes: the face that launched a thousand quips.
- Diogenes 

Alice (thinking): The good thing about downsizing is that I don’t have to shave my legs. It grows fast, but who’s going to notice?
News flash: Police surrounded a convenience store where Sasquatch attempted to buy Haagen-Daz.
- Dilbert (comic strip)

In order to save Sodom from being overturned, at least ten righteous ones were needed; while in order to overturn the entire world—only a single fool is enough.
- Menahem Mendel of Kotsk

I’m just deeply disappointed that once again we may have to settle for the lesser of two evils.
- Howard Dean

An ounce of wisdom is worth a pound of wit.
- Proverb

It is not want but abundance that makes avarice
- Proverb


READERS’ COMMENTS

[FROM READER 1]  Re: ENSURING THE NEXT MIDDLE EAST WAR
Every once in a while, interspersed in between the polemics that, if implemented, would lead to the end of the world as we know it, there is something that should be responded to.

A case in point is your complaint that the US is providing major weapon systems to Egypt, which could conceivably be used against Israel. The fact is, that this use of these weapons against Israel is highly unlikely, since in a modern war, the technical superiority and skillful implementation of Israeli weapons, (most of which are also provided by the US) would return Egypt to the time of the Pharaohs, and the current rulers of Egypt know this.

However, we must clarify the fact that Egypt and (Israel) receives over $3 billion in aid per year from the US, most of which is military, and most of this military aid is in the form of weapon systems generated by the US Military Industrial Complex. It is not enough that at least $100 billion per year of our tax money is wasted on weapon systems we don't need, such as the F-22, the Joint Strike fighter and the National Missile Defense, none of which are necessary for shooting down, terrorist-piloted airliners. To add insult to this injury, at least $6 to $8 billion more is sent to Egypt, Kuwait, etc. etc., which is hidden from the Defense Budget as "foreign aid". Because this expenditure creates jobs, no politician who really expects to be elected, raises his voice against this massive waste of the taxpayers funds as perks to the Middle and Upper Classes.

Unfortunately, in addition to this monetary madness, these giveaway weapon systems 
also stoke the fires of possible major conventional war in the Middle East in view of the increasingly possible takeover of these governments by Islamic radicals, who would like to return to the time of the Pharaohs.

DIOGENES’ RESPONSE

You go on the assumption that leaders of nations proceed along lines of common/uncommon sense and knowledgeable insight. The Egyptian leaders won’t expect to be sent back to the time of the Pharaohs, rather they will expect to send Israel back to the time when Abraham lived in Mesopotamia. Don’t give leaders—any leaders—credit for being wise. Remember, that both Napoleon and Hitler thought they could defeat Russia, and Lyndon Johnson was certain that he could beat Ho Chi Minh, as did the French.

As for the Islamic fundamentalists, they only want to be sent back to the time of Muhammad. If they were sent back to the time of the Pharaohs they would likely destroy all of the monuments and artifacts that we so admire today.

When it comes to our Military/Industrial Complex, you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes, however, the M/I Complex serves a useful purpose like bringing home the dollars that we spend on Arab oil.


[FROM READER 2]  Re: KERRY’S TROUBLESOME RECORD

I Think Kerry is probably a snake, but I must get rid of Bush even if had to vote for Mickey Mouse.
-- -- -- -- -- -- 

[FROM READER 3]   I'm from Massachusetts, of course, and though this may be blasphemy for a Massachusettsian, I've never been much of a Kerry fan, my main reason being that every time you turn around, there he is, kissing Sharpton's ass and I really cannot see myself voting for somebody, anybody, who endorses Sharpton in any way shape or manner... Didn't know, or haven't paid much attention to, his stand on Israel, or should I say his statements on Israel, because I don't think he's got much of a stand on anything. Kerry is like Boston weather: if you don't the weather now, wait an hour and it'll be different; so with Kerry: if you don't like what he says today, wait till tomorrow and he'll say the exact opposite.
-- -- -- -- -- --

[FROM READER 4]  This is no surprise. Not only is he ultra-liberal (the kiss of death as concerns Israel), but as I wrote to Lieberman, any candidate with a whiff Judaism is either not to be trusted or is unelectable.

George Bush and his friends are all we got right to vote for. Oy veh!
-- -- -- -- -- --

[FROM READER 5]  I have been saying for months, Both Kerry and Edwards are snakes in the grass.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not vote for them.
-- -- -- -- -- --

[FROM READER 6]  Yes , but what is the alternative? Not another four years of Bush.
-- -- -- -- -- --

[FROM READER 7]  i don't trust any politician. it's the nature of the beast to be duplicitous and say whatever will get them votes. u know that. however, some r not as bad as others. what do u have against carter and clinton? i think they r among the better ones.


Comments welcome. e-mail to: editor@diogenesreport.com
All issues of The Diogenes Report are on the website -- 
www.diogenesreport.com