THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
April 2004, VOL. IV, # 13
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IT’S A DANGEROUS MISTAKE TO PROJECT OUR MINDSETS
INTO OTHER CULTURES

The murder and desecration of the bodies of four Americans in Fallujah who were working as civilian contractors in Iraq may be old news by the time you read this. But listening to the journalist and ex-military government officials discussing this atrocity raised a red flag that told me that we still do not understand our enemy.

The “suits” analyzed the motivation of the perps and the Fallujah community in terms of American “logic.” Their main point of comparison was with Somalia where the bodies of American soldiers also were desecrated. And the “suits” all agreed that these actions were designed to frighten us so that we cut and run.

American and Arab thinking are different

I believe that this is fallacious thinking. If we really want a meaningful comparison to what happened in Fallujah—and it also explains the action of the Somalis—let’s look at what happened in Ramallah. Remember when two Israeli reservists lost their way and wandered into Ramallah. There, the local citizens, aided and abetted by the police, lynched them, and desecrated their bodies. The motivation of those perpetrators had nothing to do with getting the Israelis to cut and run. They were merely acting out acceptable behavior in their culture. 

This is what Muslims do despite that it’s forbidden in the Koran. It is also forbidden in the Koran for Muslims to go to war with each other, but a couple of weeks after Muhammad died, his followers were at each others throats. Intra-Islamic fighting has continued to this very day, as has desecrating the bodies of your enemies.

It is critical for America’s leaders and opinion-makers to understand that Islamic culture is far different than ours, with different mindsets, motivations and views of good and evil. If an Arab puts on a western suit and tie, it does not mean that he thinks like a westerner. I recall an Arab storekeeper in the Jerusalem shuk running after me for three blocks to return a pair of gloves that I had left in his establishment. That doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t stab and burn my body if his religious or national spirit so moved him.

Let’s play ball and be friends

Another example of the absurdity of projecting an American mindset came from former Senator and Presidential candidate Bob Dole. When the trouble in Bosnia was starting to heat up, Dole said, “give me a bat, ball and glove and I’ll go over there and we’ll choose up sides and play ball and everyone will be friends.” That may go over big in Kansas but not in Bosnia or most other places in the world. Ten years later, the U.S. and the UN still have troops in Bosnia to keep the warring sides apart. 



ANI LO GAZLON 

The above words in Hebrew transliteration are the words that the Prime Minister of Israel could well say. They are more familiar as Richard Nixon’s, “I am not a crook.”

Similar to Nixon in an American context, Sharon is facing the decision of the Israeli judicial system as to whether he committed an illegal act. To me, the real judgment should be not whether Sharon took a bribe, but the political crookedness he is perpetrating against the people of Israel.

In the election that brought Sharon to power, the voters overwhelmingly turned against the leaders who they felt were ready to sell-out the State, and supported Sharon because they thought he would provide strong leadership.

From day one of his leadership he has conducted a “phony” war against the Arabs in response to their terrorism, he has hampered the settlement enterprise, he has fought against the platform of the party that brought him to office and, now, he wants to give away parts of the Land of Israel in the name of practical politics.

For stealing the election, not from the opposition, but from the Israeli voters, he should be shouting: “Ani Gazlon!” I am a crook!



IF THE PASSOVER STORY WERE REPORTED BY 
THE NEW YORK TIMES OR CNN
by Daniel P. Waxman 

The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness. 

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me." 

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society." 

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac. 

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro. 

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through
these plagues." 

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.



THE DETERMINED FUND RAISER

A man arrives at the Ben Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv with two large bags. 

The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it filled with money in different currencies. The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get all this money?" 

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, and each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his penis and said, "Donate money to Israel or I will cut your balls off"... 

The customs agent said, "Well, that's a very interesting story ... So what do you have in the other bag?" 

The man said, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel."



THE FRENCH CONNECTION

Subject: France Responds to Islamic Terror

In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised their terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaboration"

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." 
  - Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." 
  - Rush Limbaugh

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." 
  - Argus Hamilton

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." 
  - Dennis Miller

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
  - Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
  - Anonymous

"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." 
  - Jay Leno

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
  - Anonymous

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." 
  - David Letterman

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." 
  - R. Blount 

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." 
  - John Xereas 

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
  - Alan Kent



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Developer Sure Building Will Attract Tenants
With Diageo North America, one of the world’s leading liquor companies in the adjoining building, tenants will love space from which they can hop next door for a quick one.

Nations Losing Mental Capacity U.N. Warns
Nonsense. There are many countries in Eastern Europe, the Arab world and Africa that feature I.Q.s of 160. Of course, that’s a total for each country.

Bush Favors Stretching Out Power Plant Cleanup
He is truly an “environmental” president. He is as good on this issue as he is on education.

Pet Funeral Home Offers Services With A Human Touch For Grieving Owners
If an owner dies does the funeral home offer an animal touch for grieving pets? 

U.S. Doesn’t Seek To Impose Reforms, Powell Tells Kuwaitis And Saudis
What does the U.S. have against Iraqis?

Kennedy: Arnold Should Be Allowed To Run For President
OK Arnold, I said it, now stop twisting my arm and get me a double!

Haiti’s Interim Leader Praises Gang Leader 
We can reverse it without changing the sense of the headline and say, “Haiti’s gang leader praises interim president.”

FCC Cracks Down On Expletives
Do they know what the fuck they’re doing?

Top Docs: Who Do Doctors Go To When They Need A Doctor? (magazine article)
It’s unanimous. There’s this witch doctor in Rwanda.

Pressure Mounting To Ensure Ethical Behavior In The House
OK, as long as they don’t try to put it in the Senate.

Probes Of Iraq Contracts Give Halliburton Headaches
Just tell them to take two Tylenol and give back $600 million.

Bush And Cheney To Appear Together Before 9/11 Commission
Guess which one will play the role of Edgar Bergen?

U. S. Vows Strong Response To Iraqi Killings
I’ll bet we reduce our $87 billion rebuilding program to $86.5 billion.

Guns At Schools Demand A Response
Would it be sufficient if we lob a few mortar shells and a couple of grenades at the gunkids?

Terrorism Suspected In Uzbekistan Bombings
Those Uzbeks are such clever thinkers.

Woman Detonates Bomb As Violence Persists in Uzbekistan
Who says the Muslims don’t treat women as equals?

Report: Statue Of Liberty Could Have Opened Sooner Than Planned
Give us your tired...your poor...but not just yet.

N. Y. Times Co. Profit Falls 15% In Quarter
It’s not easy being pink.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

Just another bit of history that the FBI has tried to suppress: Part of George W. Bush’s Viet Nam war record is that he single handedly destroyed 10 ammunition dumps, shot down five planes and blew up 12 bridges. At that point the Texas Air National Guard had enough of him and shipped him to Alabama.
   - Rey Baumel with an update by Diogenes

Woodrow Wilson Bush went to war against Saddam Hussein to make Iraq safe for democracy.
   - Diogenes

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
   - W. C. Fields

I’ve still got a lot to learn in Washington. Why, yesterday I accidentally spent some of my own money.
   - former Senator Fred Thompson

A patient is terribly overweight, and the doctor tells him, “Look, I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day. In a month, you’ll lose forty pounds.”

The patient returns in a month, gets on the scale, and the reading shows that he has lost forty pounds. Congratulating him, the doctor says, “You lost all that weight just from following my diet?”

“That’s right, although I have to tell you, I almost died that third day.”

“From hunger?’

“No, from skipping.” 
   - Milton Berle


Comments welcome. e-mail to: editor@diogenesreport.com
All issues of The Diogenes Report are on the website -- 
www.diogenesreport.com