THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
May 2004, VOL. IV, # 17
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HOORAY FOR COLON BOWEL!

I heard that the Secretary of State told the UN General Assembly that he supports an independent Catholic state in Northern Ireland; an independent Breton state in France; an independent Catalan state in Spain; an independent Basque state in Spain; an independent Corsican state; an independent Scottish state in Great Britain; an independent Flemish state in Belgium; an independent Northern Italian state; an independent Sardinian state; An independent Chechen state; more independent states in the Caucuses region; a Kurdish state covering parts of Turkey, Iraq, Iran and Syria; Christian and Druse states in Lebanon; a Tamil state in Sri Lanka; a Muslim state in western China; a Muslim state in the southern Philippines; several more independent states in Indonesia; an independent state of Kashmir; 37 more independent states in sub-Saharan Africa; a separate state in southern Sudan; an independent Indian state in southern Mexico; and an independent state of Quebec.

Oops! So sorry. How could I have been so confused? My hearing must have been impaired. All Bowel wanted was another Arab state in Israel. 



THE RELIGION OF DEATH

From the four corners of the earth we get daily messages that Islam is the religion of death. The messages come from the actions of the followers of Muhammad. Confirmation of the Islamic theology of death came a couple of weeks ago from the Palestinian Authority Imam, Ibrahim Madiras, who prayed for Arafat’s death as a Shahid (Holy Martyr). In his sermon the Imam restated the Islamic belief that death as a Shahid is preferable to life. 

As part of his sermon, the Imam had the following message for Prime Minister Sharon who said that Arafat was a potential target: “We are not like you, because we do not desire life. If you threaten to kill President Arafat, we will pray to Allah: ‘Grant the President Shahada (Martyrdom) for you.’ Yes, we do not pray like other preachers pray—for longevity for the rulers.”

There are two lessons to be learned from the foregoing:(1) know thy enemy and (2) help these people achieve their religious goal without allowing them to take anyone else along.


THE WEST HAS NOT LEARNED

The West—in this case the United States and Israel—has not learned that when you deal with human vermin they should be treated like human vermin. As the West sort of fights a war against Islam and the terrorism it spawns, the examples of the reality that we have not internalized this learning pop up almost daily.

Does anyone—I mean anyone—really believe that being “humanistic” to vermin will win their hearts and minds or that they appreciate the “humanistic” treatment. Try it on a bed bug and see if it works. We already have tried it on the Arabs and we see it doesn’t work. So why expose our fighting men and women to unnecessary dangers in their battles against the human vermin? Why are we sending our soldiers into places like Karbala and other Muslim “holy” cities when we have an air force that should be used to flatten every neighborhood from which fire is coming. Everyone in those neighborhoods—from the Imams to the teachers to the families--is supporting and encouraging the holy warriors to attack Americans. The vermin won’t hate the Americans any more or less than they do.

Why did the Israelis send tanks and personnel carriers into Gaza—were these casualties supposed to serve as sacrifices for some political goal of Ariel Sharon. Israel has an air force. Use it to turn every building in the Philadelphia strip into rubble. Send the tanks in after no Arabs are left in the area. The vermin won’t hate the Israelis any more or less than they do. 

Our goal—America’s and Israel’s—must be to win the war with the least amount of casualties for our side. Let’s stop patting ourselves on the back for being “humanitarian” and holding ourselves up to the world as paragons of virtue. The world won’t hate us any less or love us any more. And, just look at the ‘humanitarian” world that we are trying to impress—France, Germany, Belgium, Russia, China and those other “humanitarians” like Libya, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Iran.

Let’s stop the apologies and investigations of the ”humiliations” of the Iraqi terrorist prisoners. If these interrogation methods are halted, then there should be investigations as to why we don’t use every technique to get information that can save the lives of our soldiers.

The Israeli Government should immediately free the officer who was court-martialed for accidentally killing an Arab teenager during a riot. The officer fired at a building and the billet ricocheted off the house. Another officer that should be freed was held responsible for shooting a British agitator supporting the Arabs who was trying to sabotage IDF operations in a closed military zone.

Israel should stop punishing its own people and concentrate on doing everything necessary to stop Arab terrorism. This is currently not the case.

When we realize that our obligation is not toward our enemies but to the safety and well-being of our own people that will be a sign that the West has learned the proper lessons.



SUCCESS

(An seen on the Internet .)
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. 
At age 35 success is . . . having money. 
At age 50 success is . . . having money. 
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

This is a pretty close fit from the Norwalk, CT police blotter of 5/11/04. Joshua Swindells was charged with sixth-degree larceny

Here is a name that fits perfectly: Samuel Iwry (a transliteration of the Hebrew word for a Hebrew). From his obituary: a professor at Johns Hopkins, he was one of the world’s leading Hebrew scholars and played a key role in identifying the importance of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

This man, an interior designer, whose name did not fit too well with the environment he operated in, helped renovate a house in the fancy community of Sag Harbor, NY. He is Michael Formica. From a New York Times story in 2004.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Iraq Videotape Shows The Decapitation Of An American
Allah Akbar

Attacks Drive Price Of Oil To $40 A Barrel
Should we decapitate the leaders of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Oman?

Roger Williams Teams With Tribe For Education Collaborative
A course on the evils of gambling? Actually a worthwhile environmental program.

Lieberman: Stand by Brahimi 
How very presidential of Joe to support the guy who said that Israeli policies are poisonous to the transition in Iraq. As a potential candidate, he made Kucinich and Sharpton look good—and still does.

With No Escape From Abuse, Afghan Women Are Suicidal
Will the American women’s organizations blame it on Israel?

Rowland’s Top Aide Guaranteed Votes For Tomasso Contract
Governor "Honest John” Rowland insists his office played no role in awarding project

Rowland’s Wife Received Fee For Speech From State Contractor
Now, they’re trying to impugn Mrs. “Honest John” Rowland

Session Adjourns With Passage Of Budget, Ethics Reform
I’ll bet that “Honest John” is happy with the reform of the ethics. Those damn ethics were getting in his way

Governor Defends Wife’s Speaking Fees
I wonder if he lets her open her mouth at home?

Norwalk Seniors Plan Trip To Mohegan Sun
They’ll go by bus and hitchhike back.

Reps OK Helicopter Landings
The pilots are happy, they couldn’t hold it in any longer.

U.S. Rules Morning-After Pill Can’t Be Sold Over The Counter
How about under the counter?

Bush Proposes A Plan To Aid Opponents Of Castro In Cuba
Will the Mafia be running the plan? They know Cuba.

Tape Of Air Traffic Controllers Made On 9/11 Was Destroyed
Accident or not, the guy responsible should get 30 years in Attica to teach Muslim prisoners how to fly planes.

Bomb In Shiite Mosque In Karachi Kills 14
Still waiting for the cries of outrage from the Muslim world.

IDF To Dismantle Outposts Next Week
This is a lot faster than their retaliations against Arab atrocities or the dismantling of the vast number of illegal Arab buildings. It’s Crazy Arik at work.

U.N. Resolution On Arab Sovereignty In Yesha
The U.N. recognizes “Palestinian” sovereignty but the Israelis hold the “moral high ground.”

Painting Nazis Took Returned To Family
Too bad they couldn’t return the family.

Efforts Mount To Halt Asian Pest Invading Hemlock Forests
Have they considered higher tariffs?

Muslims Were Outraged; So Were Christians
Back to the photos: the Muslims were outraged because their guys weren’t out on the street murdering Americans; the Christians were outraged because no one thought to dip those naked Arabs in a baptismal fount.

Communion Becomes A Test Of Faith And Politics 
Those Protestants who were afraid of voting for Al Smith were right, they just were ahead of their time.

A Renowned Israeli Musician Condemns The Israeli Occupation And Donates His Prize To The Palestinian People
Breathes there a man with soul so dead
Who never to himself has said
This is my own, my native land?
Yes... Daniel Barenboim!

More Photos Outrage Lawmakers
Why the outrage? It’s for these kind of photos the lawmakers surf the net..

Latest Israeli Army Losses Fuel Calls To Quit ‘The Curse Of Gaza’
The Israelis would be better served if they could quit the curse of their political leaders—left and right.

Man Arrested In Vandalism Tied To Dispute Over A Fence
Did he try blaming Israel for the fence?



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

Re Socrates: The more I read him, the less I wonder why they imprisoned him.
     - Thomas B. Macaulay

Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.
     - Robert Benchley

Individuality: that precious quality which is the business of education, advertising and government to eradicate.
     - Edmund H. Volkart

Wit and humor, like all corrosives, must be used with care.
      - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I just want the money and the fame and the adoration, and I don’t want any of the other stuff.
     - Matthew Broderick

Hi, I’m Doctor Silverman. Your regular psychiatrist had a nervous breakdown.
         - Ziggy (cartoon panel)

We in America are nearer to the final triumph over poverty than ever before in the history of the land...We shall soon with the help of God be in sight of the day when poverty shall be banished from the nation.
     - Herbert Hoover (1928)

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Anonymous
     
Pointy-Haired Boss: We’ve moved our call centers to Elbonia but we don’t think anyone will notice.
Elbonian Operator: Hello, how may I help you? 
My name is Kruphnedahpheweundikaniswalyniaphorganopop. I mean...Carl.
     - Dilbert (comic strip) 

No man is wiser for his learning. It may administer matter to work in, or objects to work upon; but wit and wisdom are born with a man.
     - John Selden

When the government recognizes the talents of the brothers comedian team they should
Call it Smothers Day.
     - Diogenes

Tough times don’t last, tough people do.
     - Joe Torre


READERS’ COMMENTS

Re: Movie Review, Vol. IV, #16--Great review! What’s the name of the movie?

Diogenes’ Response: Poor proofreading. The name of the movie is “Monsieur Ibrahim.” But what kind of a schmuck of a movie critic does not include the name of the movie in his review?

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