THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
MONTH 2004, VOL. IV, # 26
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PATRIOTISM

During the current presidential campaign when accusations about a lack of “patriotism” or bragging about an overabundance of “patriotism” are everyday soundbites, it will be well to be once again reminded of those two famous definitions of “patriotism.”

In his pioneering dictionary, Dr. Samuel Johnson defined “patriotism” as the last refuge of a scoundrel.

Many years later, in his Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce noted his disagreement with Dr. Johnson.

Bierce defined it as the first.



A Chance For Kerry And The Democrats To Demonstrate They Favor A Secure Israel

While George W. Bush has paid a lot of lip service to favoring a strong Israel, the actions of his administration have been much less supportive. Besides promoting the destructive “Road Map,” the administration is embarked on a highly dangerous program of supplying Egypt with the most advanced weapons in the American arsenal.

The bankrupt Egyptian State with an economy and education system in shambles is buying these weapons for only one reason—to attack Israel when they deem it appropriate. And the Bush Administration is fueling this run-up to war.

These actions, which encourage war, are not hidden—they are open, described in the media and approved by Congress. But I have yet to hear one word of disapproval from the “peace party.” Where are the experts and “friends of Israel” who advise Kerry on the Middle East?

The Administration’s policy of arming the Arab countries with advanced weaponry is as flawed as its peace policies in Iraq and Afghanistan. It won’t be too long before these weapons are used against American soldiers, jus like the missiles we gave the Afghans to use against the Russians.

I would trust Kerry’s good will toward Israel if I heard him denounce these arms sales.

WHO WILL PAY FOR THE QUIET TIMES?

For the big terrorist hits on America we total up the costs in human lives, materials and reconstruction. But we never send the bills to the perpetrator nations like Saudi Arabia and Iran and Libya. The American taxpayers eat the costs. This is a big, big mistake because it gives the perpetrator nations no incentive to change and it turns the American taxpayers into patsies.

I suggest that during the presidential campaign the voters should demand of the candidates that they must take a stand on forcing the perpetrator nations pay for the costs of these attacks. Let’s find out how much respect the candidates really have for the American taxpayers. All of these nations have assets that can be seized for payment. If we can launch a preemptive war we surely can trample some of the small print in international law and the niceties demanded by our State Department.

What can we do about the “quiet times” when alerts are raised but no actual attacks take place? Not only that, but we keep many security services on “alert” all of the time. These “quiet times” cost hundreds of millions, if not billions, of dollars in government and private money.

Although none of our leaders have the guts to do it, the bills for the cost of the “quiet times,” as well as the bills for the dust ups should be sent to every country that has a connection with the terrorists. This means countries that are allowing their citizens to fund terrorism, countries that are allowing their imams and mullahs to preach terrorism, countries that are permitting their educators to teach terrorism and countries that allow terrorists to come and go, at will.

How would we bill these terror-abetting nations? For the oil exporting nations, we would commandeer loaded tankers leaving their ports to the point where the price of their oil would average $10 a barrel. If these nations—Saudi Arabia and Iran--want to survive, they cannot afford to cut back on their shipments even in the face of the seizures. For the non-oil exporters such as Egypt, we cut way, way back on arms shipments, loans and grants. As for Syria, there isn’t much we can get out of them, but we can strangle them economically until they scream uncle—Uncle Sam, that is.

But as long as the American taxpayers don’t scream about the terrorism bills, nothing will get done.



THE LAW-ABIDING ROAD WARRIOR

There I was, creeping along through the construction on the Merritt Parkway when a roadside sign loomed up. Its message was unequivocal—REDUCE SPEED TO 40-MILES PER HOUR. Being a law-abiding citizen of the great state of Connecticut, I blinked and reread the message. No question—it said REDUCE SPEED TO 40 MILES PER HOUR. I was not sure how to reduce my speed to 40 MPH since my speedometer was stuck at 10 MPH and by an off-the-top-of my head estimate, the long line of vehicles in front of me also were doing 10 MPH.

Since I did not want to violate any law, I stopped the car, got out, and looked for a state trooper who might help me out of my dilemma. Of course, when you need a cop, there is never one around. It flashed across my mind that if I were doing 80 MPH, highway patrol cars would be swarming out of the bushes. 

As I stood next to my car, it was hard to think clearly about the proper course of action. The noise of the horns from the cars lined behind me was deafening. But I began to get concerned about my safety when the drivers of some of the cars behind me began to maneuver their vehicles off the road in order to pass me. Also, I was appalled by the language used by some of the women drivers who left their cars and accosted me. The ladies that gave me the finger did not seem quite so harsh.

I must admit, I was forced to become a lawbreaker. I got back in my car and resumed my speed of 10 miles an hour—while carefully avoiding the off-the-road drivers that kept zooming past me. Until I crossed the state line into New York, I was unable to reduce my speed to 40 MPH.



‘TIS THE SEASON
(The Internet keeps scoring.)

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE 
New York, NY 

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance 
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment) 
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment 
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong 
7:35 PM Freedom Fries served 
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner 
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next 
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children 
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only) 
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future 
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" 
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong 
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires 
9:30 PM break for secret meetings 
10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas 
10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple 
10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside 
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare 
10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt 
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans 
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong 
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy 
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata 
11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult 
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 
11:35 PM Blame Clinton 
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies 
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord



THE NO-CARB DIET FOR 2004
(From the Internet)

NO Cheney
NO Ashcroft
NO Rumsfeld
NO Bush



MORE JEWISH HUMOR

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: shmuck". At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name... and forgot to write a letter.

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please" "What denomination?" says the clerk. The woman says "Oy vay, my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform.

After the circumcising of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in a Jewish home, and I want to stay with you guys!"



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Bush: ‘I Know What I’m Doing’ In Iraq War
That’s one guy, how about the other 290 million Americans?

State of Emergency Declared in Florida
Isn’t kind of late to redo the 2000 presidential election?

Congressman Weiner Calls On Bush To Grant Clemency To Pollard
A clear Litmus Test for George W. Bush. 


Arab World Weighs In On ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’ Documentary
In Saudi Arabia the critics decapitated 12 projectionists that were running the film.
In Syria, the critics torched three theatres showing the film, with the audiences inside.
In Iran, six critics that liked the movie were sentenced to life imprisonment.
In Egypt, the critics will be permitted to publish reviews when Mubarak leaves office.
Obviously, democracy is taking hold in the Muslim countries.

Palestinian Militants Promised Payments For Releasing Kidnapped Foreign Church Workers
By and by, way up high, there’ll be pie in the sky when you die.

Egypt Denies Franks’ Claims That Mubarak Confirmed Iraq's WMD
The Egyptians know that he really isn’t Tommy Franks, 
but that he’s Hebrew National Franks

For Erections That Last More Than 4 Hours Call Your Doctor (Cyalis commercial)
1. Doctor, hell, call Ripley.
2. Call Heidi Fliess

Taliban Fighters Increase Attacks, With Troubling Toll Among G.I.’s And Afghans
Don’t those stupid Muslims know we won the war?

Polio Vaccinations Resume In Nigeria
One of the Imams must have gotten hold of the Physician’s Desk Reference.

Hebrew University Sold 96 Dunams To Arab Bank 
[Rejected Jewish Offer 3 Times The Price]
You don’t have to go to an American or French university to find vicious anti-Israel, anti-Jewish sentiments.

Focus Of Catholic Sexual Abuse Suits Now Includes Nuns
Who says the Catholic Church is anti-feminist?

Palestinian Gunmen Kill Convicted Collaborators
When they didn’t die from the grenade thrown into their jail cell, they were shot in their hospital beds. The news story said that this was a sign of the breakdown of law and order in the Palestinian territories. Wrong, this is Arab law and order!

Kerry Pledges Iraq Troop Cut Within 4 Years
Does he think he can get the French, Germans and Russians to fill in for the following 56 years?

Prosecutor Suspended After Complaint Of Profanity
What a clever way to launch a political career. First goal: the vice presidency!

Courthouse Garage On Hold After Several Delays
Does this mean that the contractor hasn’t put together all of the payoff money?

Al-Qaida Seen Targeting ‘Softer’ Locations
They plan to plant bombs under seat cushions on planes.

Virgin Atlantic Airlines Offers In-Flight Spanish Lessons
What’s next, in-flight flying lessons or bomb-making lessons for passengers with Saudi passports?

Two Leaders Of Mosque Arrested In Albany Sting
1. They only wanted the portable missiles to slow down traffic on the Erie Canal.
2. They were disoriented, they thought they were in Baghdad.

Police Called To Va. Assisted-Living Home Find Staff Asleep
1. It’s OK as long as they are not sleeping with the residents.
2. It wasn’t an assisted-living home, it was C.I.A. headquarters.
3. The police then went back to “cooping” in their squad cars.
4. The police didn’t wake the staff, they looked so cute asleep.

Locust Infestation Sweeps Through West Africa
Does this mean that the Arabs have finished devastating the Sudan 
and have started on West Africa?

Man Allegedly Bludgeons Married Sister To Death
According to this news story from Jordan, the suspect then headed to the nearest police station claiming he had killed his sister to cleanse the family's honor. Why do these ‘honorable’ people need democracy?

Iranian Balks At Israeli In Judo
This is the true Olympic spirit. He probably would have competed against Sharon who is proving to the Muslims that he ain’t such a bad guy.

U.S. To Cut Forces In Europe, Asia
They have been there over 50 years. Does that give you a hint about how long our troops will remain in Iraq, Bosnia and Kosovo?

Bush Hits ‘Legacy’ College Admissions
As soon as Yale’s president heard this, he revoked Bush’s diploma. 

In Blow To Bush, Only 32,000 Jobs Were Created In July
What’s worse, they were all at one Wal-Mart store in Arkansas.

Yankees 11, Yankees 4 (NY Times)
The Yankees are so good they are only playing themselves.

At Least 180 In Burundi Killed In Refugee Camp
It’s a UN camp but the UN could not defend them, they were too busy passing anti-Israel resolutions.

Officials Reinforce Porous Borders To Help Battle Foreign Insurgents
What’s the rush we’ve only been in Iraq for 1-1/2 years.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

Cosmo: I’m so embarrassed! Last night I fell asleep during the lecture at the press club.
Roz: Who was giving it?
Cosmo: I was!
     - SHOE (comic strip)

This communicating of a man’s self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubles joys, and cuts griefs in halves; for there is no man that imparts his joys to his friend but he enjoys the more; and no man that imparts his griefs to his friend, but he grieves the less.
     - Francis Bacon 

The head learns new things, but the heart forevermore practices old experiences. Therefore our life is but a new form of the way men have lived from the beginning.
     - Henry Ward Beecher

Not all those who are working to better the condition of the people are Bolsheviki or enemies of society.
     - Calvin Coolidge

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is truly important is invisible to the eye.
     - Antoine de Saint Exupery 

Doctor: I’m changing your cholesterol medicine to a different brand.
Patient: How come?
Doctor: Their drug reps bring in a lunch spread that makes the competition look sick.
     - WIZARD OF ID (comic strip)

With so many husbands and wives working late at the office, store and factory it’s no wonder that Americans are so productive.
     - Diogenes

To eat is a necessity; to eat intelligently is an art.
     - La Rochefoucauld



READERS’ COMMENTS

Jokes about President Bush shows that these so called jokers are that interested in his life even though they are not true. Is it funny or sad that they reflect their sordidness?

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Hey, you're a funny guy!!! I just read your latest report. Very clever!!!


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