THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
November 2004, VOL. IV, #34
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REACHING OUT 

The following letter from Rabbi Ira Ebbin of Young Israel of Stamford relates how one community made a life-saving contribution to Israel’s war against terror. The next letter is the grateful response from Res. Major Roy Timor-Rousso of IDF Battalion 7006 to the Young Israel and Stamford community.

Dear Friends, 
The following is an e-mail I received from Major (reserve) Roy Timor-Rousso, the commanding officer of Battalion 7006, a.k.a. Rob Mehler's unit. Our community, through the Young Israel, has contributed over $30,000 to purchase equipment to help protect this and other units of the IDF. We ask G-d to be our shadow, (Psalm 121) and emulate us, by providing protection of His own. May G-d watch over all members of the IDF, the US Armed Forces, the Coalition forces, and anyone who risks their lives to protect the world from terrorism and evil. 

Dear friends, 
Over the past year Battalion 7006 received generous support from so many of you - thank you. For those of you not familiar with our unit, Robert Mehler, a fellow Stamford Jewish community member, shared with some of you existing equipment shortages specifically, bullet proof vests. You heard the need, did not hesitate to step forward and donate much-needed funds and thanks to you we will enter our upcoming combat operation rotation with vests for many of my soldiers. I am deeply grateful for your support. Your expression of loyalty, courage and concern for the health, and welfare of my soldiers is something I will take with me over the course of the next few weeks. Our unit developed a web site to build a virtual bridge with you, and to improve our ability to communicate with unit members. The English section of the site shares our values "Strength and Honor", Battle History dating back to 1948, as well as the Foundation's efforts and results - thanks in large part to you! We hope that you will draw closer to our unit, reach out to us from time to time to check in with your very own - IDF Reserve Infantry Battalion 7006. Please visit us at: http://www.7006.co.il 
All the best 
Major (reserve) Roy Timor-Rousso
Roy.timorrousso@comverse.com



THE HEARTLAND

All of a sudden we’re hearing a lot of blather about the “heartland.” I say blather because the comments imply—nay, forcefully claim that the “heartland” of America is more than just its midsection. The claim is that this midsection is really the heart, soul and even brains of our nation.

I say nonsense. Mainly, because I am too polite to say bullshit!

What the hell ever came out of America’s midsection, and this includes the South, over the years except the most competent, creative, intelligent and thoughtful people who escaped to both coasts. Those that remained, for the most part, make up a sub-culture of gap-toothed, dull normal, perverted, shit-kicking, sheep-fucking, ass-grabbing, pornography-consuming, grunting, beer-guzzling, bible-thumping, thuggish, incestuous, holier-than-thou, self-satisfied, chest-beating, braggarts!

Every advance in America’s civilized society (while it still has a long, long way to go before it is truly civilized) came out of America’s true “heart” land—it’s cities like New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and San Francisco. Culture, humanity and intellectual achievements flow from our coastal cities to the midsection where they sometimes make a minor impact or are lost among the rows of tall corn or alfalfa.

A recent survey carried by the New York Times (11/21/04) codifies some of my opinions. Here are some selected data: highest percentage with bachelor’s degrees or higher: Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey; lowest: Mississippi, Nevada, West Virginia. Readers of Ladies Home Journal per 1,000 residents: highest: North Dakota, Iowa, South Dakota; lowest: Hawaii, California, Delaware. Readers of the New Yorker per 1,000 residents: highest: Vermont, Massachusetts, New York; lowest: Arkansas, Mississippi, North Dakota. Readers of Playboy per 1,000 residents: highest: Iowa, Wyoming, North Dakota; lowest: New York, Utah, Mississippi.

So, the next time someone from America’s midsection starts bragging, remember you are not looking at the “heartland,” you’re just looking at a beer belly.



ANOTHER TROJAN WAR?

I am sure you all remember how the first Trojan War began—Paris kidnapped the beautiful Helen of Sparta and whisked her off to Troy (the one in Asia minor, not the one in upstate New York). With the appointment of Condi Rice as Secretary of State, I see the possibility of a new Trojan War erupting. 

On her first trip to Saudi Arabia, Condi attracts the eye of Prince Fahd the Clod and he has his eunuchs drag her off to his harem. Fahd the Clod much prefers her to the previous female Secretary of State—and you can’t blame him. Menelaus in the guise of George W. Bush demands Condi’s immediate return. The Prince, supported by the 5,000 other members of the royal family, refuses.

Backed by every member of the House and Senate--Republicans, Democrats and Independents-- the new Trojan War to bring Condi back begins. Now it is Condi’s face that launches a thousand ships but this time they are not the ocean-going vessels of the ancient world, they are Tomahawk missiles and they rain down on the palaces, tents and mosques of Saudi Arabia.

History, once again, repeats! Stay tuned.



VIVE LA FRANCE

AP and UPI both report that the French Government today announced that it has raised the terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher alert levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The raise was precipitated by a fire this week which destroyed France's largest white flag factory, thus disabling its military.


GENERATIONS

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing...and uh..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"



DIOGENES ASKS

In the supermarket meat section I saw the following sign: “If you don’t see what you want in our Meat Department ask one of our Meat Associates.” Suppose you want to talk to the manager, do you go directly to the Meathead?



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

This one fits, from the Oct.18, 2004 issue of Business Week: …he vaulted James B. Flaws to vice-chairman, the CFO who had helped negotiate and arrange financing for billions of now nearly worthless photonics deals.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Palestinians Choose Two To Assume Arafat Roles
One to talk about peace in English, the other to proclaim jihad in Arabic.

Palestinian Leader Arafat Dies At 75
1. Now you can believe him when he says he is giving up violence.
2. This would have been the appropriate time to award him the Nobel Peace Prize. 
His death makes possible a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very slim chance that there may be peace. VERY.

Judge: Bin Laden Driver Deserves Hearing
Before the Taxi and Limousine Commission?

Mexico Imports U.S. Mules To Ease Shortage
Why don’t they try to keep their native mules at home?

Ivory Coast Loyalists Confront French Troops
The French should have taught their colonials not to be so cheeky.

In Moscow, Volunteers Keeping An Eye On The People Next Door
I remember when “the people” kept an eye on everyone.

New C.I.A. Chief Tells Workers To Back Administration Policies
When the Administration says there are WMD, agree even if there are no WMD.

Starbucks Will Use Cups With 10% Recycled Paper
Will they wash them out first?

U.N. Imposes Arms Embargo On Ivory Coast
What happened, did the natives run out of elephant tusks and cocoa?

Marine Slaying Dominates Arab Media
If the marine is found guiltless this will serve as a proper warning to every Arab terrorist.

55-Year Sentence For Marijuana Seller Assailed
Who did that judge think he was sentencing: Jonathan Pollard?

GOP Looks To Repeal Law Requiring New Food Labels
Let them eat poison!

U.N. Group Heads To Africa To Discuss Sudan
How many blacks have been murdered? 150,00. We can’t call that a holocaust. Let’s discuss it further in New York. No let’s discuss it in Geneva. Let’s reconvene in Cairo and discuss where we should discuss the situation in Sudan. Good idea. I can’t make it next week. I’ll be on holiday the week after. Tell Kofi to put it on the agenda for the next General Assembly meeting. I object!

Number Of People Sentenced To Death Reaches 30 Year Low
Does this include Americans executed by the Muslims?

Leader Of New Jersey Senate Takes Oath As Governor
He vowed not to have a homosexual affair, at least not one which goes public.

Man, 86, Convicted Under New Law Against Americans Who Go Abroad To Molest Minors
Sounds like outsourcing to me. Don’t our corporations go abroad to molest minors?
Sweat shops, sex parlors, what’s the difference?

Increase In Highway Accidents Caused by Deer And Other Animals
I thought it was the motorists who cause most of the accidents.

U.N. Finds Surge In Opium Cultivation In Afghanistan
It’s just democracy and a free economy at work.

Court Commands General To Present His "Code of Ethics"
If you think the U.S. has an activist court, try Israel’s Supreme Court.

N.B.A. Bars 4 After A Brawl Involving Fans
They don’t have to compete with the N.H.L., don’t they know that the hockey league is temporarily out of business

Arafat Gone But PATV Continue To Promote Suicide Terror
Diogenes will let the following item take the place of his comment: “In a Nov. 17th Palestinian Authority TV broadcast, the mother of an Arab suicide terrorist talked about how she and other mothers in her position consider their sons’ Shahada death as a joyful event, similar to a wedding.”

Troops Invade Baghdad Mosque 
Did they find all those peaceful “insurgents,” “freedom fighters,” and “holy warriors” busily praying?

Abu Mazen: We Demand Right Of “Return” For Millions Of Arabs
Yasser Arafat is dead, long live Yasser Arafat!

Bush Says Iran Speeds Output Of Fuel For Nuclear Bomb
Even more worrisome is that they don’t have to depend on magic carpets to deliver the bombs, they have long-range missiles.

Course Offers Help For Pregnant Bilingual Women
Just say no and non or nein or neen or nej or nei or nie or nem or nyet or lo or nit or hayir or ei or tidak or ne or o’chi or hapana. This list should prevent a lot of pregnancies.

Bill Clears Way For Government To Cut Back College Loans
George W. Bush is lucky that he is already out of school.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

It is not so important that many should be as good as you, as that there be some absolute goodness somewhere; for that will leaven the whole lump.
- Henry David Thoreau

Know him? I know him so well that I haven’t spoken to him in ten years.
- Oscar Wilde

The problem with the Conservatives is not that they compromise—it is that they make a principle out of compromise.
- Menachem-Mendel Schneerson (the Lubavitcher Rebbe)

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
- William Butler Yeats

I don’t for the life of me understand why people keep insisting that marriage is doomed. All five of mine worked out.
Peter De Vries

It's not really a matter of Arafat at all. It's us, Jews and Arabs, and we need to sit down and settle this mess, without the Americans. After all, we lived together for 3,000 years or so.
- Rami Zada, an Israeli engineer, on prospects for peace.

This zada maaseh is a bubbe maaseh.
- Diogenes

Wizard’s Wife: Which aisle will I find the low-carb food on?
Checkout Clerk: The wide one.
- WIZARD OF ID (comic strip)

Wizard: Blanch gave me this book on anger management.
Sir Rodney: How come the cover is torn?
Wizard: She threw it at me.
- WIZARD OF ID (comic strip)

It is not true that rules are made to be broken. But it is true that breaking the rules can be lifesaving. 
- William F. Buckley

Hard work is as damn near as overrated as monogamy.
- Huey Long

C’mon, is that the best the Carolina kids can come up with? No wonder they couldn’t get into Duke.
- Geno Auriemma, University of Connecticut women’s basketball coach in response to the “Diana (Taurasi, departed star) can’t bail you out this time.” taunts by University of North Carolina students.

We do not wish to see the forest
We wish to see the trees, the tree.
The child, not the human race.
- Yehuda Amichai



THE LIMERICK CORNER
From memory and various collections.

True lovers say limericks don’t rile ‘em;
They simply collect and compile ‘em—
The limericks of whores
And bastards and bores,
And virgins and those who defile ‘em.

There was a young lady from Chichester
Whose shape made the saints in their niches stir;
Each morning at matins
Her form in its satins,
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s breeches stir.


So says Diogenes. What do you say?  Click here to send in your comments 

Comments welcome. e-mail to: editor@diogenesreport.com
All issues of The Diogenes Report are on the website -- 
www.diogenesreport.com