THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
November 2004, VOL. IV, #35
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SHARPEN YOUR LONG KNIVES

Now that the main election job of preventing John Kerry and his cabal of Middle East advisors from running the government has been successfully completed, it is time to prevent the Bush Administration from enacting its hare-brained domestic programs, as well as some of its international plans. Here is a random list of these stupid and, in many ways, harmful initiatives: rebuilding Iraq with American taxpayer money; radically revising social security; the phony Medicare drug plan; trying to prevent victims from suing the drug companies; putting restrictions on jury awards (masquerading as a battle against trial lawyers); limiting Federal funding for stem cell research; and limiting funding for “no child left behind.”

I would like to see the return of a two party system—not the 1-1/2 party system with which the Democrats have approached these issues. Yes, these are important issues, but they can be fought over for the next four years. And they should be by strong Democrats—if there are any—and sensible Republicans—if there are any. I don’t want to hear any “I told you sos.” The potential weakening of Israel by the Peace Now gang around Kerry could have been a terminal event for Israel. Now, we have to closely monitor George Bush’s Israel policy, as well as overturning his domestic policy.

So sharpen your long knives and get ready to do battle.



HARVARD STUDY: POVERTY IS NOT THE CAUSE OF TERRORISM

The following news story, which was carried by Arutz Sheva (Israel National Radio) on November 26, 2004 supports Diogenes’ contention that it is a dangerous idea to blame every aspect of human behavior on economics. Modern society is so rooted in the Marxian ideas that economic factors are responsible for all evil in the world that the “have-nots vs. the haves” has become a knee-jerk reaction to explain terrorism or any other unrest. I contend that we can better understand terrorism if look to the emotional/psychological make-up of the individuals and societies that generate this behavior. 

A new study by a Harvard professor has found that terrorism is not caused by poverty – thus further undermining the main premise behind international aid to Arabs of Judea, Samaria and Gaza (Yesha). 

The Harvard University Gazette reports that Alberto Abadie, associate professor at Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government, “examined data on terrorism and variables such as wealth, political freedom, geography, and ethnic fractionalization for nations that have been targets of terrorist attacks ... Before analyzing the data, Abadie believed it was a reasonable assumption that terrorism has its roots in poverty, especially since studies have linked civil war to economic factors. However, once the data was corrected for the influence of other factors studied, Abadie said he found no significant relationship between a nation’s wealth and the level of terrorism it experiences... 
(New York Sun, Nov.10, 2004)

Arab journalist Khalid Amayreh, himself from the Yesha region, has likewise written that it “is simply nonsense” to “claim that Islamic terrorism in Israel, as elsewhere, is the product of poverty, backwardness, and ignorance ... Islamic fundamentalism is not a product or by-product of poverty. Several studies have shown that a substantial majority of Islamists and their supporters come from the middle and upper socio-economic strata.

The fact that city-dwellers [in Judea-Samaria], who are generally more educated and better off economically, have consistently lent more support to Islamists refutes the widely held assumption that Islamist popularity thrives on economic misery.” 
(Jerusalem Post, Feb. 21, 1995)

Morton A. Klein, National President of the Zionist Organization of America (ZOA), commented: “Poverty is not the problem; hatred is the problem. An entire generation of Palestinian Arabs has been raised to hate Jews and Israel. Giving them American money will not solve the problem – in fact, it will have the opposite effect, sending a message to them that they need not change their ways. Like German society after World War II, Palestinian Arab society will require a lengthy and intensive period of de-Nazification, to wean them away from their hatred and violence. What they need is years and years of education towards peace, democracy, and coexistence. As long as the PA educates its people for hatred, in the official PA schools, summer camps, television, radio, newspapers, speeches, and religious sermons,



SOME THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE INNAUGURAL

This list probably was compiled by some die-hard Democrats who are still counting ballots in Ohio.

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
11. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
12. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
13. Stay out late before the curfews start.
14. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
15. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
16. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
17. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white person.
18. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
19. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
20. Start your school day without a prayer.
21. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
22. Learn French.
23. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
24. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
25. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
26. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
27. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
28. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
29. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State.
30. Take a tranquilizer to obliterate these paranoid fantasies.
31. Take a memory pill to try to recall who the hell John Kerry was and what he stood for.



MUSLIM STANDUP COMIC ROUTINE

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. 

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied." 

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already! 

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it! 

Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians? 
It bombed! 

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? 
Lefty! 

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? 
It features full facial nudity! 

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? 
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel! 

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? 
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock Group! 

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."

What did the Palestinian woman say to her husband before going out for the evening? Honey, does this bomb make my ass look fat?



A GIANT DIES IN ISRAEL

Several days ago Rafael Eitan, “Raful” a fighter from pre-state days to service as Chief of Staff of the IDF, a cabinet officer, a member of the Knesset, founder of a political party, a farmer and a carpenter died in a drowning accident while overseeing construction of port facilities in Ashdod. 

In the following excerpts from an interview he gave earlier this year as carried by Arutz Sheva (Israel National Radio) Raful tells it like it is about the Arabs and the Israeli left—not like most mealy-mouthed Israeli leaders:

"My opinion is that all these efforts [referring to Sharon's disengagement plan – ed.] are for naught. With the Arabs, we will never be able to make peace... This is a struggle between civilizations. We are a foreign culture, and in my opinion, Islam will never make peace with our foreign entity, and with the fact that it has political independence and even defeats them in wars. They'll never agree... 

"[President Moshe Katzav] is mistaken: Assad's hand is not outstretched in peace. He might be trying some tricks so that the Americans won't do to him what they did to Iraq. Nothing more. What, he'll make peace with us? Does anyone really think that we should deposit our fate in the hands of a lone ruler, a dictator, who is alive today and tomorrow he's dead? ... I can prove that whoever thinks that concessions, compromises, 'Geneva,' Ami Ayalon's plan, are what will change the Middle East situation – in my opinion is mistaken. The Arabs, very cleverly, bring our people to think that they have changed their ways... The Arabs wage negotiations with us in three ways: pretense, deception, and violence."

Asked what would have to happen for him to change his mind, Raful said, "If all the Arab leaders say, 'We're sick of you, we're taking some distance from you, we'll give you territories in exchange for peace, and leave us alone.' On that day, I'll admit that I was wrong [in saying that they would never make peace]."

"What, they should give us territories in exchange for peace?" he was asked 

"Why not?" Raful responded. "Why should we, who are so small, give land to those who are so big, for something uncertain? We should have said this from the outset. But did anyone ever think that this [Exile-like] leadership would make such a request? A leadership that does not insist on its honor, and has no national honor. We should pay for having defeated them in wars that they started? Where's the logic, the straight thinking?"

Raful had sharp words for the left-wing and HaShomer HaTza'ir: "I can count 30 Kibbutzim of HaShomer HaTza'ir that are sitting on Arab land. You know what, this is the most hypocritical movement that I can imagine... When Stalin died, they lowered the flag in the kibbutzim to half-mast. Sir, this just shows that the true root is missing." 



MORE AND EVERMORE JEWISH HUMOR


When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
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Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger." The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's." They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says. "Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."
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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

In A Gesture Of Conciliation, The Pope Returns Orthodox Relics
Do you think we’ll ever see a real gesture of conciliation like the Pope returning Jewish artifacts and documents?

Social Security Plan Is Said To Require Vast Borrowing
That’s just what I was thinking. I’m going to resort to vast borrowing to live on my social security

Pakistan To Scale Back Force Around Town Near Afghan Border
Now that they’ve caught Osama, they don’t need troops there anymore.

Irritant Prompts An Evacuation Of Toys ‘R’ Us In Times Square
Was the irritant a toy commercial?

Supreme Court Is Set To Consider Medical Marijuana
Does this have anything to do with Rhenquist’s cancer?

Abu Mazen: We’re Not Ready To Receive Gaza
Would 9570 C.E. be a satisfactory date?

Police Say Robbery Suspect Got On Wrong End Of His Own Gun
No, he wasn’t Polish.

U.N. Tackles Issue Of Imbalance Of Power 
Good thinking, bring in Saudi Arabia, Libya, Yemen and the Sudan to get the right balance on the Security Council.

AIG Agrees To Pay $126M To Settle Federal Probes
A good start. Once the government catches up with all of the insurance, banking, business and Wall Street crooks, their fines will replace the income tax as the main source of revenue.

Viacom Settles Outstanding FCC Fines
What did I tell you?

Dutch Try To Thwart Terrorism Without Being Overzealous
It’s like if Hans Brinker would have stuck his finger up his ass.

Bush Orders CIA To Hire More Spies
Even if they have to hire them away from Osama.

Not A Single Jewish Resident Of Gaza Or Northern Samaria Has Applied To The Disengagement Authority For Advanced Compensation And Early Evacuation
They will still be there when Sharon is long gone.

Someday The Iraqis And The Afghans Will Thank U.S.
Someday my prince will come.

Bush Seeks To Boost Funds Abstinence Education
He’s backing this education program with a $billion for chastity belts.

Living Wills, Meant To Simplify, Don’t Always Work
According to the Kevorkian Institute.

Oil Executives Have Left Russia Ahead Of Charges
What’s keeping our guys from taking off?

Sunnis Urge Delaying Elections
Do they have a date in mind? You bet. January 30, 2105!

Olowokandi Arrested After Incident
The police had to use a stun gun to subdue him. Maybe that’s what the opposing NBA teams should use when the 7-footer goes up for a rebound.

Rowland Serves Holiday Dinner At Church
I hear that some of his contractor friends elbowed their way to the front of the line to get served first.

Cell Phones Increasingly Attractive To Hackers
Can you hear me now?

Poll Finds Most Americans Have Not Prepared For A Terror Attack 
I bet the poll includes the Administration.

The Federal Government Gets Real About Sex Behind Bars
The wardens are distributing condoms and jars of Vaseline?



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

A man’s intelligence needs to breathe.
- Victor Serge

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.
- Edward R. Murrow

As you may know, I have many good friends in the press who, unfortunately, have thus far refused to identify themselves and go public.
- Frank Sinatra

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
- Albert Einstein

Geezer: I hate getting old. I just don’t have fun anymore.
Cosmo: Maybe you should try to get in touch with your inner great-great grandchild.
- SHOE (comic strip)

Everything that lives and endures
for more than a day after we die
is eternal.
We live in the eternity of others.
We are their eternity.
- Yehuda Amichai

Me my brother and my cousin against the world.
Me and my brother against my cousin.
Me against my brother.
- Arab adage

When a world statesman commits a blunder or acts stupidly, there are always wiseacres at hand to proclaim that “he knows what he is doing” or “he knows something that we don’t.” The truth—which our generation has learned time and again from bitter experience—is that what appears to the average intelligence to be a stupid act only too often turns out to have been in fact a stupid act.
- Shmuel Katz 



THE LIMERICK CORNER
From memory, friends and various collections.

On the breasts of a lady named Gail
There was tattooed the price of her tail,
And upon her behind, 
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

There was a young lady named Alice 
Who peed in a Catholic chalice, 
I did this said she,
For I needed to pee,
And not out of Protestant malice.

A PR Pro met a Rose on JDate
His looks with her did not rate
But his words won her heart
And because he was "smaht"
With his love he did seal her fate

READERS’ COMMENTS

I really enjoyed your latest report, especially the piece on America's Heartland. The paragraph describing the subculture of America's midsection was sheer poetry. In fact I wrote a limerick about it.

Here's to America's Heartland
Otherwise known as its Fartland
Where seldom is heard
An intelligent word
And the sky is polluted with Potland

I also liked the piece on Condi of Troy.

Let's hear it for Condi Rice
Folks say she's awfully nice
Only time will tell
If she’s from Heaven or Hell
And made of piss and vinegar or sugar and spice.


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