THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
January 2005, VOL. V, #1
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THE TSUNAMI AND THE OTHER THING

The immediate worldwide outpouring of assistance to the victims of the tsunami was more than heartwarming. It shows humanity at its humane best (not including the Muslim nations). Based on the absence of warning devices, there was no way to anticipate this tragic natural event. There were no warning flags.

The reaction of the world is praiseworthy

As the days unfolded following this disaster, my mind went back to an even more massive human tragedy. That tragedy wasn’t sudden. The warning signs were there for the whole world to see. And the world had years and the power to prevent the tragedy. But there was no outpouring of assistance or even sympathy. The world hardened its heart. But, after all, the victims of that tragedy were only going to be Jews.

The reaction of the world was not praiseworthy.

When I made this comparison to a friend she said: “The world is different now.”

I didn’t bother to remind her that most of the same world is currently united in opposition to the security of Israel, as well as in supporting its enemies.

The reaction of the world is not praiseworthy.

Is there something about the Jews?



DOES HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF?

Many historian claim that while history does not repeat itself, historians often do.

Diogenes begs to differ with that opinion. As a matter of fact, he goes far beyond begging to differ; he aggressively disagrees with that very glib but senseless viewpoint.

If history, with some insignificant modifications, did not repeat itself, what would be the purpose of studying history? Or psychology or sociology or economics or political science? All of these disciplines, as well as history are studies of man the individual and mankind writ large as society, clan, tribe and nation. And just as man has not changed over recorded history his institutions have not changed intrinsically. While technology blinds us to the lack of change in human behavior, the man who fires an M-16 is very little different than the man who depended on the bow and arrow.

With man’s emotional makeup unchanged as far back as we can trace, his motivations and reactions that created history eons ago are creating today’s events, which by next week also will be history.

One need but read ancient history and the close relationships between the leaders and events of those days and our days are overwhelming. Read the Lives of the Twelve Caesars and you can name a least a dozen modern day leaders who would have been at home in ancient Rome. Whether it’s the history of the ancient Greeks or the events described in the Torah—it’s TODAY.

In the Torah reading of last Sabbath, the words of the prophet Ezekiel reminded me of Sharon’s plan to depend on Egypt to train the Arab “police” in Gaza and to curb the stream of weapons going from Egypt into Gaza. 

Some 2,500 hundred years ago, Ezekiel warned Israel not to enter into an alliance with Egypt. He said that Egypt was a weak reed, an undependable ally that could only endanger Israel. He predicted that the Babylonians would destroy Egypt, which was encouraging Israel to fight the Babylonians, and that Israel would be devastated as a result of its alliance. And his words were truly prophetic. 

Not having learned from the past, Sharon is willing to accept the word of Mubarak that Egypt will cut off the flow of arms—the same Egyptians who are aiding and abetting the flow of arms. This is the same Egypt that has armed itself to the teeth in anticipation of the “appropriate” time to attack Israel.

The prophet noted 2,500 years ago that Egypt was weak reed and today, you don’t have to be a prophet to know that Egypt is still a weak reed. It’s economy and social structures are imploding. This time the destroyers of the Egyptian establishment won’t come from the north—they are inside Egypt. The country is a hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism, which has made major inroads into its armed forces. So far the military is the only thing that keeps Mubarak in power. Mubarak is dangerous enough but his fundamentalist successors would be infinitely worse. In one way or another, history is repeating itself. But it is not too late to learn from the past.

Sharon would do well to heed the warnings of Ezekiel. 



IF YOU MUST KNOW WHAT CAUSED THE TSUNAMI

Read the following January 7, 2005 dispatch from MEMRI (Middle East Media Research Institute)

Conspiracy Theories Surrounding the Tsunami: It was a Punishment from Allah for Celebrating Christmas and Other Sins; the U.S., Israel, and India caused it

Following practically all international events of importance, conspiracy theories are raised in the Arab and Muslim worlds. This occurred most recently following the Asian tsunami. Some of these conspiracy theories focused, as they often do, on allegations that it was a plot by the U.S. and Israel. Others speculated that the tsunami was a divine punishment for sins, including that of celebrating Christmas. The following are speeches and articles which appeared in the Arab media raising conspiracy theories about the cause of the tsunami; more will be posted on the MEMRI TV Project website (www.memritv.org) in the coming days: 

Palestinian Friday Sermon by Sheik Mudeiris: The Tsunami is Allah's Revenge at Bangkok Corruption 

Advisor to Saudi Arabia's Justice Minister: The Nations were destroyed for Lying, Sinning, and being Infidels 

Egyptian Nationalist Weekly: U.S.-Israel-India Nuclear Testing May have Caused Asian Tsunami; The Goal: Testing how to Liquidate Humanity



FORGET ABOUT SOUTH BEACH AND DR. ATKINS

Two women met. “What happened to you?” one asked. “You’ve lost so much weight I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“It’s my husband. He’s impossible. He has become mean, nasty and abusive. He beats me and doesn’t let me eat. I’m going out of my mind.”

“Why don’t you leave him?”

“Oh, I intend to—just as soon as I lose 10 more pounds.”



JUST COWS! 
This has been going around the Internet for quite a while, but the story keeps getting longer and, I think, funnier.

DEMOCRAT 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
You feel guilty for being successful. 
Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

REPUBLICAN 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
So what? 

SOCIALIST 
You have two cows. 
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. 
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 

COMMUNIST 
You have two cows. 
The government seizes both and provides you with milk. 
You wait in line for hours to get it. 
It is expensive and sour. 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a 
man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your 
government. 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for 
the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. 
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. 
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. 
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and 
are reducing expenses. 
Your stock goes up. 

FRENCH CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You go on strike because you want three cows. 
You go to lunch and drink wine. 
Life is good. 

JAPANESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and 
produce twenty times the milk. 
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. 
Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 

GERMAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent 
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. 
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. 
You break for lunch. 
Life is good. 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You have some vodka. 
You count them and learn you have five cows. 
You have some more vodka. 
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 

TALIBAN CORPORATION 
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. 
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. 
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. 

IRAQI CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
They go into hiding. 
They send radio tapes of their mooing. 

POLISH CORPORATION 
You have two bulls. 
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. 

FLORIDA CORPORATION 
You have a black cow and a brown cow. 
Everyone votes for the best looking one. 
Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. 
Some people vote for both. 
Some people vote for neither. 
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. 
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best 
looking cow. 

CALIFORNIAN 
You have a cow and a bull. 
The bull is depressed. 
It has spent its life living a lie. 
It goes away for two weeks. 
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. 
You now have two cows. 
One makes milk; the other doesn't. 
You try to sell the transgender cow. 
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. 
You lose in court. 
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. 
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. 
You change your business to beef. 
PETA pickets your farm. 
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. 
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". 
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". 
Schwarzenager signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. 
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped them. 
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. 
The cow starves to death. 
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault. 

No trees were killed in the sending of this message
However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Annual Report On Holocaust Denial Cites PA's Abu Mazen
This is the “moderate” who will replace Arafat.

Left-Wing Party Sends Condolences On Arafat’s Death
Ain’t no one sicker than sick Jews.

Chief Is Ousted at Fannie Mae Under Pressure
At least they burned one crook’s ass—oops, I mean fannie.

Democrats Need To Connect With Younger Blacks
Does this mean that candidates should spend less time kissing babies and more time visiting prisons?

Warriors Should Not Be Confused With The War
A statement of true patriotism.

Closure Spills Port Chester Patients To Other Hospitals: Stamford ‘Would Welcome Opportunity’ To Care For Them Official Says
The current 2-hour waiting time will be increased to 6 hours in the Stamford Hospital Emergency Room

Bush May Ease Into New Taxes
Read my slips.

Dig Site Could Unearth A Miracle
It’s all about a place where Jesus, supposedly, turned water into wine. Big deal, I could show you a dozen bars where they turned wine—and even whiskey—into water.

A.I.G. Scrutiny About to Enter the Next Phase
They should take out a disaster insurance policy.

Sale Of Cloned Cat Generates Debate
The clone is cute but she still claws the couch and throws up on the carpet.

Wall Streeters Are Looking At Big Bonuses 
The investors are just standing there looking.

Saudi Arabia, Kuwait Donate Only $10 Million In Tsunami Aid
1. That’s Arab/Muslim charity.
2. Their donations to Osama are much more substantial. 
3. These poor Arabs are waiting for oil to rise to $100 a barrel.

Kaddoumi Promises More Terrorism To Eliminate Israel
1. Don’t take him seriously; he’s only the head of Fatah.
2. Sharon: “Listen here, Kaddoumi, keep your mouth shut until after the disengagement.”
3. The State Department lists him as a moderate. Therefore he is.

Arab Weekly: Israeli-US Nuclear Test Caused Earthquake
And they thought they could keep it a secret.

Israel Won't Recognize Pollard As Prisoner of Zion
Israel’s Prisoners of Zion Committee together with the American-Jewish prisoners of cowardice and the Bush Administration made the decision.

Brits: Israel Not Jolly Good
British newspaper readers ranked Israel as the country least deserving of international respect. This might be considered sanctimonious since their country’s colonial policies helped bring generations of bloodshed across four continents.

Palestinian Ballot Presents Quandary For Hamas
They don’t know whether to vote or blow up the polling place.

Police Pin Bank Heist On IRA
Those poor Irishmen. They heard there was a stash of Guinness in the bank vault but since they couldn’t find any, they were forced to take the money instead. 

Winner Abbas: “We Are Ready For Peace”
It’s the old peace ploy: piece of Tel Aviv, piece of Haifa, all of Jerusalem, all of Judea, all of Samaria, peace, piece, piece, all, all, all.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

He that can have patience can have what he will.
- Benjamin Franklin

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and then success is sure.
- Mark Twain

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Thomas Jefferson

Few great men could pass Personnel.
- Paul Goodman

The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government 
but doesn’t have to take a civil service exam.
- Ronald Reagan

War is like marriage: easy to get into, bloody while you’re there, 
and difficult to get out of.
- Rosalie Goldman

Philosophy is like searching for a black cat in a dark alley at midnight. Theology is like searching in a dark alley at midnight for a cat that isn’t there. Economics is like searching in a dark alley at midnight for a black cat that isn’t there—shouting all the while: “I’ve got it, 
I’ve got it!”
- Anonymous

A politician is an ass upon which everything has sat except a man.
- e. e. cummings

Every doctor should have a breathing tube shoved down his throat before he is certified to practice.
- Joseph Strunin

Achtung! Forget about your conscience and your religious beliefs, just follow orders.
- Ariel Sharon

Bush Administration policy: They want every Iraqi to vote but they didn’t feel the same about every American.
- Diogenes

In the 19th century, Lord Acton wrote, Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” But that’s not what Judaism says. Judaism says that power ennobles. But only if that power is used to ennoble other.
- Ben Zinbarg

Arabs may have fallen behind Israel in per capita income and advanced weaponry, but they lead by far on the semantic battlefield. Who, a century back, would have imagined Jews making the better soldiers and Arabs the better publicists?
- Daniel Pipes

One learns to write in the practice thereof.
- Barbara Tuchman

People who speak English perfectly start treating it like a foreign language the moment they get within sight of a pen.
- William Deresiewicz

Asked of novelist Michael Crichton: What’s with the four wives? Crichton’s reply: Where I come from, in Hollywood, four wives is sort of like the average….I’m halfway to Mickey Rooney.



THE LIMERICK CORNER
From memory, friends and various collections.

A girl of the Enterprise crew
Refused every offer to screw.
But a Vulcan named Spock
Crawled under her smock,
And now she is eating for two.

There was a fellow named Durkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin,
Said his wife to Durkin
You’re shirkin your firkin
You better stop jerkin your gherkin.



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