THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
February 2005, VOL. V, #2
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(Please note that Diogenes will be taking a short vacation. You are mistaken if you think he has been on vacation.)

DEMON DEMOGRAPHERS FALL ON THEIR ABACI

It is truly amazing that the enemies of a strong Israel—left-wing Jews and others—continue to come up with so many reasons that seem to undermine the survival of a strong Jewish state. That has been true right from the get-go. Remember, the popular belief that the land could not support a large population. How about the argument that bringing in the “backward” Jews from the Arab countries would undermine the quality of Israeli society. Israel’s enemies long ago deep-sixed their idea that Jews were incapable of defending themselves.

But these negative nabobs of punditry don’t stop with prophecies of gloom and doom until they are hit between the eyes with a two-by-four with sharp projections of unassailable facts.

That proverbial two-by-four recently demolished the argument that the Jewish majority of the State of Israel and the Land of Israel would be overwhelmed by the rapidly growing Arab population. This prediction was based on demographic data coming from Arab sources. The same sources claimed that West Bank/Gaza is among the world’s fastest growing regions. 

A recent study, however, indicates that the Arab population of West Bank/Gaza may be overestimated by as much as 1.4 million or by over a third. This study further notes that in the region—Judea, Samaria and Gaza—“there were dramatically fewer births and lower fertility rates, and instead of immigration, a steady stream of emigration.”

A team of Israeli and American demographers, mathematicians, historians and government officials developed the new study. Based on its findings, the team believes that Arabs will not overcome the Jewish majority in the region and that, in fact, the Jewish majority will grow.

Since this matter involves Jews there is, naturally, a controversy. Several Israeli demographers while agreeing that the Arabs have overestimated their population, disagree on the birthrate analysis. They don’t believe that the Arab birthrate could drop by half in just five years. In response, a U.S. team member points out that this decrease is based on information from the PA’s Ministry of Health and that similar birthrate drops have been found in Egypt, Jordan and Iran.
I think that the enemies and “friends” of a strong Israel will have to come up with a new argument as to why the country should roll over and play dead.



THE UNNOTICED SCANDAL AT 60 MINUTES AND CBS

The fake documents concerning President Bush in the Texas Air National Guard certainly raised a firestorm. It ended Dan Rather’s career as an anchor, led to the firing of four other CBS news executives and generated more than one mea culpa from CBS management. Their crime was that they ran with a story without checking it out thoroughly as good journalists should.

Another 60 Minutes star, Leslie Stahl, also ran with a story that had no basis in fact. The only real fact in this episode is that she was acting as a hatchet person for some FBI agents who had an axe to grind against the Jewish community. Based on the prompting of her FBI informer, she claimed that AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) committed espionage. The “charge” later was reduced to mishandling of classified material. No charges were ever filed—the whole episode turned out to be one big lie. But Leslie Stahl, a veteran journalist, ran with the story before checking it out.

Not only should CBS be investigated for this lapse in journalistic ethics (an oxymoron) and for blackening the name of a legitimate and highly respected organization, but the FBI actions in this episode should be investigated. Of course, nothing of the kind will happen.



IF THEY HAD TO REWRITE THEIR SPEECHES THE NEXT DAY

In answer to the controversy over what President Bush meant by “bringing democracy to the world” in his inaugural speech, a variety of comments—official and non-official—were forthcoming. For example: It's a generational struggle, said several officials. Not the work of a year or two. It "doesn't come to fruition overnight," warned White House spokesman Dan Bartlett. "It will move at different speeds and different paces in different countries." All Bush meant to do, added Bartlett, was "cast an anchor out into the future." 

Hanna Rosen, a Washington Post staff writer came up with the following: Imagine for a moment what might have happened if great historical figures had felt obligated to issue morning-after clarifications: 

"We did talk. But the Lord our God did not specify what he meant by 'covenant.' He did not say whether you had to follow one or five or all 10. He could have meant it more like a list of suggestions." 
-- Moses, 1250 B.C. 

"No one needs to go turning over their inheritance to the meek tomorrow morning. This is a generational process, not the work of a couple of years." 
-- Jesus, circa A.D. 33 

" 'Liberty' or 'death' were just the two choices I happened to mention, but of course there are others." 
-- Patrick Henry, 1775 

"So maybe there are a few other things to fear. Wolves, snakes, heights. I myself have been known to shriek at the sight of a spider." 
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933 

"Okay, so not quite an 'Iron Curtain.' I meant more like pewter." 
-- Winston Churchill, 1946 

"In response to many of your anxious queries, I would like to assure you that we will still be taking complaints, requests, demands relating to what this country, and my administration in particular, can do for you. In fact, today I would like to announce a new toll-free line, 1-800-MY-NEEDS, to be up and operational by next week." 
-- John F. Kennedy, 1961 

"Well, it wasn't really a dream. More like a daydream." 
-- Martin Luther King Jr., 1963



FOR WORD ADDICTS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



HOW TO MEASURE A BABY’S GROWTH

This is how a molecular biologist informed his parents, tongue in cheek, of the healthy growth of his twin babies who weighed in at four pounds at birth.

Dear Mom and Dad:

The babies and their mom are doing great. Each baby weighed in at 7 pounds 12 ounces yesterday. I just completed the regression analysis of weight gain vs. time, and found an excellent linear fit with an R-squared of 0.997 and a slope of 1.8 ounces per day including day 0 data point).

If any Diogenes Report readers want to use this formula to measure the growth of their children or grandchildren, please feel free.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Egypt To Patrol Philadelphia Smuggling Route
Jew insanity: let the fox guard the henhouse!

Rice: $100 A Month To Terrorists "On Pension"
Can they invest some of their pension money in ‘personal accounts?’

Millions Of Iraqis Defy Threats To Vote
Big deal! Many more millions of Americans defy threats to our country and our society and refuse to vote.

In Iraqi Vote, White House Sees Validation Of Its Course
Is that course or curse?

Iraqis Begin Tabulating Results Of Milestone Election
How many write-in votes for Saddam Hussein?

Israelis Approve Prisoner Release
Jonathan Pollard’s name is not on the approval list.

Mets Finalize Cairo’s Deal; Sign Zambrano
The Mets don’t play hockey so why do they need an ice-smoothing machine?

Judge Judy’s Dispute With Greenwich Neighbors Is Resolved
The case was tried before Judge Wapner on Court TV.

After An Election Lull, Violence Flares Again In Gaza
The first Palestinian election results are in.

Russia To Supply Syria With Long-Range Missiles
Maybe Sharon should disengage from the Golan or even from Israel.

In Iraq, Search For Weapons Concluded
I wonder why George Bush didn’t make this announcement before the election?

Cardinal’s Deposition In Abuse Case Closely Watched
This has nothing to do with the Catholic Church. 
The cardinal is an independent contractor.

(Israeli) Police "Cracking Down" On Disengagement Opponents
Are the cops wearing brown shirts or black shirts?

Priest Faces Harassment Charges From Church Employee
Whatever happened to those nice movie priests like Bing Crosby and Barry Fitzgerald?

Kobe Sprains Ankle As Lakers Nip Cavs
It wasn’t his own ankle; it belonged to some girl in a motel that he was trying to nip.

Former Altar Boy Accuses Diocese Of Recklessness
Is it being reckless just because they hire priests at a shape-up?

Palestinian Militants Attack Gaza Crossing
I’m waiting for the Israeli Government and the IDF to put as much planning into protecting Israelis as they are into uprooting Israelis.

A Day For Dr. King, Sharpton And Politics
I’m not sure about Dr. King, but I’ll bet it was a day for Al Sharpton and politics.

Homework During Summer Vacation Prompts Lawsuit
That’s the way to go dad! Now sue to end all homework so that our kids are not overburdened when they want to watch TV or play with their Gameboys.

Malloy Has Second Accident Near Doughnut Shop
Mr. Mayor, are they serving those vodka doughnuts again or is it the Irish coffee?

Ex-Bank President Gets Four Year Jail Term
He should have held out for six years for the higher interest rate.

European Leaders Pay Tribute To Auschwitz Victims
They love Jewish victims and they love helping make them victims.

Plans OK’d To Improve Test Scores
The plan is to delete the previous scores and punch in higher ones.

Shays Headed To Iraq For Elections
Didn’t he vote four times in Ohio? Does he plan the same for Baghdad?

The UN Hall Was Less Than Half-Full During Historic Holocaust Memorial Speeches
How come the hall is packed when there is a resolution to condemn Israel?

U.S. Asks High Court To Curb File Swapping
OK, as long as the Government keeps its nose out of wife swapping.

Why was an anti-Semitic Ukrainian businessman was invited to ride on Colin Powell’s plane last week? (not a headline)
Maybe Colin thought that the Ukrainian spoke Yiddish.

Hizbullah Lifts Pay For Suicide Attacks To $100,000
Want to make a 100 grand without any education or training? Oops, sorry about the oversight, you do need an Islamic education.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, not that he necessarily agrees with them.

I only take Viagra when I’m with more than one woman.
- Jack Nicholson 

The meaning of music lies not in the fact that it is too vague for words, but the fact that it is too precise for words.
- Felix Mendelssohn 

The Arabs: Few of them make much contribution to the welfare of the rest of the world. Indeed, apart from oil—which was discovered, is produced and is paid for by the West—what do they contribute? Can you think of anything? What do they think we feel about them? That we admire them for the cold-blooded killings in Mombassa, Yemen and elsewhere? That we admire them for being suicide bombers, limb-amputators and women repressors?
- Robert Kilroy-Silk (British politician, journalist and TV personality)

Fiction is an alchemy that always alters.
- Cynthia Ozick

I understand why a $6,000 shower curtain seems indefensible, but I didn’t know anything about it. I just wasn’t even aware of it. If somebody had come to me and said, ‘Do you want to spend $6,000 on a shower curtain in that apartment?’ I would have said, ‘Absolutely not. Absolutely not.’
- L. Dennis Kozlowski (former president of Tyco International charged with looting the company)

Of course Kozlowski would have rejected a $6,000 shower curtain. He would have insisted that the shower curtain for his apartment cost no more than $5,500.
- Diogenes

You can say whatever you want about tort reform and the plaintiffs’ bar but I would argue that if you lose the plaintiffs’ bar you lose an important counterweight to corporate abuses.
- William Lerach

Interviewer: Must you be so clever all the time?
Buckley: I haven’t practiced the alternative.
- William Buckley

The attitude of great poets is to cheer up slaves and horrify despots.
- Walt Whitman

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a pair of comfortable shoes.
- Christopher Weyant

Our lives begin to end when we remain silent about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King

We know all the scare-stories of the Likud. They promised [when the first Oslo agreement was signed] that there would be katyushas from Gaza. It's been a year already that the Gaza is mostly under PA control, and there haven't been any katyushas, and there won't be any... The Likud is simply scared to death of peace, and for this reason is reacting in a truly childish manner.
- Yitzhak Rabin (1995)

George W. Bush’s inauguration probably occasioned as much swearing at as swearing in.
- Diogenes

I hold the value of life is to improve one's condition.
- Abraham Lincoln

For Europeans, anti-Americanism is a hobby. For too many in the Muslim world it has become a career.
- Thomas Friedman

Definition of Bravery: True bravery is coming home late from a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask -- Are you cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
- Anonymous (not brave enough to lend his name to this quote)

A little explained,
A little endured,
A little forgiven,
The quarrel is cured.
- Anna Strunin

Writing: You must create another language and nourish it for years and years with what you have loved, and what you have lost, with what you will never find again.
- George Seferis 

Many Jews are on the fast track…especially during Yom Kippur.
- Diogenes

(My) mother’s farewell to her only child was the public’s first glimpse of open-heart surgery.
- Leo Marks

Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail.
- George Carlin



READERS’ COMMENTS

Just returned home after viewing the film Hotel Rwanda. We have learned nothing from bloodshed where a million people were hacked to death, men, women and children. What about The Sudan where no one is stopping the genocide? Now I hear that President Bush has a plan to attack 10 different countries before they attack us. Is this a ploy to throw us off track so he can dismantle our social security system and cause more destruction to our country? Nothing surprises me anymore, including the blame you purported that makes the U.S., Israel the cause the latest disasters of nature. Nothing makes sense including the right wing saying we should not use lethal injections on criminals on death row for heinous crimes because the injections are too painful. At this point I strongly propose we ban all religions to reduce all fighting and bickering on all fronts

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I enjoyed it. Brilliant. Loved the humor. U r indeed a "chuchum", and write beautifully.
Sam knew it. He always seemed to light up whenever u were around.
I forwarded it to a few people.
I wish u would compile them all into a book. 
Keep up the good work, and be well



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