THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
April 2005, VOL. V, #4
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THE HIATUS IS OVER…I HOPE

After a month plus of so-called vacation and surveying medical facilities up and down the East Coast, Diogenes has returned. Not too surprisingly, in six weeks the world has not changed its shape. Prime Minister Sharon is using the same tactics he used when he was General Sharon—but this time against his own people. These are the only tactics he knows. He was a liar as a general and he continues to be a liar as a politician. The leopard doesn’t change his spots, but more unfortunately, neither does the human being.

George W. Bush has proved to be a resounding failure as the education President, the fiscal responsibility President and the jobs President. However, he is making it big as the nostalgia President. He is so deeply nostalgic about the administration of President Herbert Hoover that he is determined to return the country to those days. And he is doing an excellent job of it. He is working hard at dismantling Social Security and emasculating Medicare and Medicaid. If he succeeds in gutting the programs of The Veterans Administration, we may have a reprise of veterans marching on Washington. 
Nostalgia reigns.

Listen George, while nostalgia reigns in your head, hearken to the words of Thomas Wolfe: “You Can’t Go Home Again.”

The Pope died but Cardinal Bernard “I am the” Law still has some influence in Rome.
Rumor has it that the next pope may be a cardinal from India. Jay Leno notes that they’re even outsourcing the papacy to India. And if we can believe the claim of Cardinal Edward Egan of New York, the next pope will be elected by a conclave of independent contractors.



FAKE JOURNALISM IS GIVING YELLOW JOURNALISM A BAD NAME

Some of my very intelligent friends are amazed when I tell them how P.R. (public relations) has been used effectively to convince Americans to support programs that are against their best interests. I know these techniques first hand because I was on the P.R. firing line for a good number of years with, what was then, the world’s largest agency.
Our agency helped convince the American public that higher prices for gas and oil were good for them. We convinced the media and subsequently the public that Iraq was committing atrocities in Kuwait using “eye witnesses” that were not in the country at the time. We helped convince the public to demand that a certain sweetener should be kept on the market despite medical evidence that it presented a health danger.

Our agency was just one among many that was performing similar functions on behalf of industry and government. In addition, there are scores of Federal, state and local government agencies that are performing similar “brainwashing” functions to win approval of their programs,

Recently, it became apparent that the Bush Administration has taken PR function beyond its traditional role. Both directly and indirectly, they have hired individuals to pose as so-called independent, objective journalist to promote various programs—mainly programs that are not meeting public acceptance. They even introduced one of these characters into the pressroom at the White House during presidential briefings. The cost of these ploys—at least the ones we know about—runs into hundreds of thousands of dollars of taxpayers’ money. Apparently, the Republicans feel that the millions of dollars spent on PR agencies are not sufficient to do the required brainwashing job. Sleazy, sleazy.



WATCH TOR THESE NEW VIRUSES: NEITHER SYMANTEC, NORTON, NOR MCAFEE HAVE SOLUTIONS AS YET! 

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. 

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on. 

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. 

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. 

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. 

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files. 

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back! 

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes. 

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB. 

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted. 

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.



HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" 

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear Harvey, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Sunday morning at 10:30 AM at Beth Israel Synagogue. Female friends of the family are invited.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Bush Is Said To Seek Sharp Cuts In Subsidy Payments To Farmers
Don’t worry boys, this will only affect farmers with less than 1,000 acres.

Group Of 7 Agrees To Ease Debt Burden Of The Poor
The poor states won’t have to make any debt payments until June 2007.

The Light Of Martin Luther King Still Burns Bright
Turn out the light honey, you wouldn’t want your husband to catch us.

Cops Probe Shooting On Pacific Street
This hair-raiser took place outside of the International Hair Club.

Bush Budget Plans Social Cuts
Is this his idea of Christian Charity…or, maybe, fundamentalist Christian charity?

Mother Is Charged In Son’s Fatal Crime Spree
Mammy, my little mammy, I’d walk a million miles for one of your AK47s or two of your Smith & Wessons.

Palestinian Group Says It Is Committed To Cease-Fire
The sun may soon shine, 
over Palestine’s Arab pockets
because it ain’t raining rain,
it’s just raining Kassam rockets.

Man Who Told Lawyer Joke Gets Laugh; Case Dismissed
Man who didn’t laugh at lawyer joke was sent for psychiatric evaluation.

Dolly Scientist Get Cloning License In Britain
Can we call this Dolly Partition?

Give Rice The Benefit Of The Doubt, At Least For Now
Which rice, Uncle Ben’s, Carolina or Rice-a-Roni?

Bush Puts Medicare Next On Fix-It-List
If it ain’t broke, fix it ‘till it is.

U.S. Won’t Penalize Russia, Rice Says
Condi already forgot what Bush said about bringing freedom and democracy to the world.

Ganim Seeks New Sentence
The ex-mayor of Bridgeport is a lying, thieving S.O.B. This is a new sentence with a subject, verb and adverb.

9/11 Panel: Aviation Officials Had Many Warnings About al-Qaida
What government officials learned is that they should do a better job of hiding their documents

FAA Official Responds To 9/11 Panel’s Report On Terrorist Threats
The FAA spokeswoman said, “We had no specific information…” None of the warnings pinpointed what would happen on Sept. 11. Obviously, the terrorists should have sent the FAA a detailed agenda of their operations.

Outside Help Sought In Ice Rink Debate
They should call in some NHL players, they have plenty of time on their hands—or maybe, even, Sonja Henie.

Since 'Cease Fire' - A Bomb Every Day
Big deal! Isn’t that just like the Jews, complaining about one lousy bomb a day?

Cabinet Votes: 25 Communities To Be Destroyed
Remember when this type of action was called ethnic cleansing? 
Sorry, I forgot that it doesn’t apply when Jews are the victims.

“Kids Laughed At My Child Reading Out Loud In Class” (ad headline)
Don’t fret mom, he just was reading from the Milton Berle joke book.

China Targets Corrupt Officials In a Battle Against Temptation
Too many fancy shirtees, no tickees?

Military Health Care an Ordeal for Injured Marine
Does he think he deserves humane treatment just because he served his country honorably?

Expert: USS Carter Has Unique Features
1. A white flag goes up automatically if an Arab dhow threatens to drop a depth charge.
2. The size of the sub can be increased automatically using the Carter inflation rate of 20%.
3. If the sub is damaged at sea, Jimmy Carter will come out to repair itfor free using his house-building tools.

Israel Gears Up For Burst Of Far-Right Anger At Pullout
No greater anger than the residents of El Paso, San Antonio and McAllen would display if George W. Bush expelled them from their homes and turned south Texas over to Mexico.

Sharon Praises Egypt For Efforts To Block Arms
And Moses should have praised Pharaoh for making sure the Jews had jobs.

Catholic Group Receives 1,092 New Sex Abuse Reports
Boy, those priests don’t need Viagra.

Putin Shows Faith In Iran
Obviously, he is a man of faith. George W. Bush recognized this when he looked into Putin’s eyes.

Israel Will Disarm Militant Settlers
This had me worried for a minute, I thought they were going to disarm the terrorist Arabs.

Sketch Of Burglary Suspect Released
He’ll be as hard to find as the contractors on the homes under renovation that the burglar targets.

Report Faults Bush On Education
This President was left behind.

Police Forbid Free Protest: Turn Back Bus, Detain Another One
Has Sharon outfitted his thugs with brown shirts or black shirts?



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them.

I go to a campus and I ask the kids what they are and a kid gets up and says `I'm a Protestant,' I know that's a Protestant; a kid gets up and says `I'm Catholic,' 
I know that's a Catholic; a kid gets up and says `I'm just a human being,' 
I know that's a Jew.
- Shlomo Carlebach

Whatever has happened in the past can happen again.
- Yehuda Bauer

Whatever has happened in the past will happen again.
- Diogenes

Everybody has the right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
- Winston Churchill

Alexander Haig, the former secretary of state, and I attended West Point together. He asked me one night, “Do you want a cigar?” And I said, “Yeah.” And he gave me a Cuban cigar. So I said, “How do you rationalize smoking Castro’s cigars?” And he said, “I prefer to think of it as burning his crops to the ground.”
- Mort Sahl

Low-carb, High carb…just as long as there’s bi-carb.
- LOCKHORNS (comics panel)

It’s a great country, where anybody can grow up to be President…except me.
- Barry Goldwater

When we start out trying to make everybody have “moral” elections, why, it just don’t look like we are going to have enough Marines to go round.
- Will Rogers 

Prisoner explaining why he is in jail: It was semantics…I called it a window of opportunity, and the cops called it breaking and entering.
- Laugh Parade (cartoon panel) 

A person lives where his thoughts are.
- The Baal Shem Tov

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
- Tim O’Brien

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar—a custom that is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

Loon: What did you do over the weekend?
Cosmo: I got lost in the woods for more than eight hours.
Loon: Camping?
Cosmo: Golfing.
- SHOE (cartoon strip)


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