THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
June 2005, VOL. V, #8
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

THE EMBARASSMENT OF SPIES*

The cowardly and disgusting way that the Israeli Governments have handled the Jonathan Pollard case apparently is not unique in the way they treat some of their spies by letting them rot in foreign prisons.

In 1954, the Israelis organized a spy ring in Egypt made up of young Egyptian Jews. They were supposed to leave bombs in British and American facilities in Egypt to damage relations between the British and the Americans and Egypt. They also were to sow fear among the Egyptians by similar techniques. The operation was ill-conceived and ineptly organized. The “spies” were quickly caught, tried and imprisoned. One committed suicide in prison. 

I recently came across the following in The Spymasters Of Israel, a 1980 book by Stewart Steven: “The men and one woman of the ‘sleeper’ team, sentenced to long periods of imprisonment, were serving their time in the infamous Tura Prison near Helwan on the Nile. They had reason to feel bitter, Mustafa Amin, the Egyptian editor and journalist, and friend and confidant of Nasser, told one of them that after the Suez War in 1956, he had been sent to Washington by the Egyptian President to negotiate at second-hand with the Israelis through the Americans. He had been given carte blanche by Nasser, told to accept virtually everything the Israelis demanded, and, indeed, was specifically told to accept any exchange proposals made for the young Jews in their Egyptian prison. To his and Nasser’s astonishment, no request of any kind was made by the Israeli authorities.”

After the Six Day War, in 1967, the Israelis traded a dozen captured Egyptian generals for the members of the spy ring plus the celebrated “champagne” spy, Wolfgang Lotz.



UNSUNG WAR HEROES*

We have war heroes in Iraq and Afghanistan who are sometimes recognized for their activities. However, there are heroes in the Pentagon who are never recognized for their activities. I’m referring to those unknown, bureaucrats who conceive the names for our military actions. They are the unsung heroes who come up with the slogans that give our fighting men and women the understanding of, and insight into, the significance of every engagement in which they participate. 

While the current crop of names do not match the grandeur of “Overlord,” the invasion of Normandy in 1944, who can forget the soaring concepts of “Enduring Freedom”, “Democracy for Iraq”, “The Sword” and “Shock and Awe?” These were slogans that made hearts beat faster and almost made dying worthwhile.

The men and women who expended their creative juices and came up with those noble rallying cries deserve recognition such as the award of a special medal. After all, they did not damage America’s image by settling for such obvious slogans as “Rag the Ragheads” or “You Gonna Run Out of Virgins Before We’re Through With You.” 



JUNE 28, 2105*

The following excerpts are from a television address that will be delivered to the American people on June 28, 2105 by President George X. Bush, the great grandson of President George W. Bush and the great, great grandson of President George H. W. Bush.

“My fellow citizens, you may wonder why I chose this date to discuss with you one of the issues that has occupied the American people for a little over one hundred years. The reason is simple. On this date, exactly one hundred years ago, my great grandfather went on TV to explain to the American people why we were in Iraq and the great progress we were making to bring democracy to that nation. This also the 101st anniversary of when we turned over the governing process to the Iraqi people.

“I want to take the opportunity—on this double anniversary date—to reinforce that message. We are continuing to make great progress despite the suicide bombers who offer only violence and bring no vision to the vast majority of peaceful citizens whose only desire is to rebuild their lives in a democratic society. Because they get almost no support from the average Iraqi, the incidence of terrorist attacks have been reduced to under 300 per week. We all can agree that this is real progress.

“I also am pleased with the results of our negotiations with the Kurds. Our Secretary of State tells me that the Kurds are seriously considering rejoining the Iraqi nation. We cannot blame them for leaving and using their own military to eliminate the terrorist menace in their region. But we feel very strongly that since we have reduced the level of violence in the rest of Iraq, it’s time for the nation to unite. As you know, we are going all-out to pacify Iraq, and our recent pinpoint bombings of Teheran and Damascus have had a significant impact on the reduction of terrorism by foreign fighters.

“Despite the progress we, together with the Iraqi army, are making, there are voices of gloom and doom in the Congress that want us to cut and run and end the draft. My great grand-dad wouldn’t accept this kind of defeatism and neither will I.

Some of these same negativists are demanding that your government provide an arbitrary time-line as to when we will pull our troops out of Iraq. We won’t do that because it will just embolden our enemies. But, I can assure you that we won’t keep our troops there for one day after the Iraqi army is ready to defend their own country.

“As for our European allies, particularly France and Germany, I say we are anxious for them to get contracts for the rebuilding of Iraq. They only need to be more forthcoming in sharing the military burden in that country. And I can assure them that a great deal of rebuilding remains. I can only remind them that we have rebuilt the oil pipelines 38 times, as well as rebuilding close to 400 Shiite mosques.

“And in closing, I would like to leave you with some other good news. As of yesterday, our armed forces are in control of 75 per cent of Afghanistan.

“God bless America!”



CHANGING PERSPECTIVES
Subject: FW: 1975 to 2005
This is meant only for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1975: KEG 
2005: EKG

1975: Acid rock 
2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco
2005: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the drivers' test 
2005: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever
2005: Depends



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

Sole Desire, shoe store, Newport, RI

Curl Up & Dye, hair dresser, Newport, RI

Mimi Schmir (smear in Yiddish) writer of an episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy that smeared Orthodox Jews and Judaism through the use of misinformation and misleading stereotypes. Her name fits like a glove.

Moshe Lichtman (light man in Yiddish), VP, Microsoft TV, in charge of Project Lightspeed. Fits.

Anna Smashnova, Israeli tennis player ranked 15th in the world among women. Fits.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Golani Brigade Says No To Expelling Jews
I’m waiting for Sharon’s bodyguards to say no to guarding Sharon.

Michael Jackson Cleared After 14-Week Child Molesting Trial
World media fires 10,000 reporters! No big news stories expected for at least 10 years!

Link Between Blindness And Impotence Drugs Examined
What’s the big deal, isn’t love supposed to be blind?

Finance Chiefs Cancel Debt Of 18 Nations
Heads of six African nations complain that they can’t put their cancelled debt into their Swiss bank accounts.

Microsoft, EU Reach Compromise
Bill gates promises not buy out England, France and Poland. 
The EU promises to ban the use of Linux.

J & J’s Spine-Surgery Device Raises Questions 
It’s truly amazing, all of the surgeons, whether they support the J & J device or a competing device, claimed their positions were not based on financial grounds.

EU Shoemakers Seek To Curb Chinese Imports
The EU doesn’t like objections when they dump products in the U. S.—but now that the shoe is on the other foot….

Science Finds Brain’s Comedy Central
Did they find a laugh track?

U. S. Reaches Out For Military Ties With Vietnam
Reminds me of the pushover who offers sex to every man she meets.
Take my arms, please.

A Web Of Activists Gives Coke Problems In India
A web of competitors is giving Coke problems everywhere else in the world.

Award Limit In Tobacco Case Sets Off A Strenuous Protest
Hey, the Bush Administration ain’t just oil!

The Dutch Just Say No To European Charter
They finally stuck their fingers in the dike, but their country may already be swamped.

U.S. Faults 4 Allies Over Forced Labor
All four are Arab countries, but that book that was supposedly was flushed down the toilet says that slavery is O.K.

Kentucky Diocese To Set Up $120 Million For Abuse Victims
It took a heap of collection plates to come up with so many bucks.

General Electric Has High Hopes For India
Like India should continue to be an educated, low cost Asian nation to which all of GE’s scientific, engineering and manufacturing operations can be outsourced.

In Major Policy Shift, AIPAC Offers Strong Backing For Withdrawal Plan
What policy shift? They always wanted to be invited to the White House for tea and get the VIP treatment when they visit Israel. And, oh yes, they promise not to annoy FDR about the Holocaust.

Car Bombing Injures 15 Near Baghdad Airport
And you think that the drive to JFK is a pain in the ass?

Base Closings Will Be Fair President Says
He won’t do anything unfair like closing bases in the red states.

Memo Seems To Link Annan To Contract Of Son's Company
How do you say nepotism in Swahili?

Vichy—The No. 1 Skin Care Brand In European Pharmacies (sign in pharmacy)
The name reminds Europeans of the good old days. 

Yesha Council Plans To Turn To Supreme Court
Why bother? They might do better in a Kadi Court.

Air Force Academy Staff Found Promoting Religion
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them.

Israel's current actions are paving the way for a third intifada. 
- Mohammed Dahlan, PA Civil Affairs Minister

Lest we forget, it is language that separates the human beings from the bureaucrats.
- Richard Lederer

On the east coast, towards Tunis, the Moors still preserve the keys of their ancestors’ houses in Spain; to which country they still express the hopes of one day returning, and again planting the crescent in the ancient walls of the Alhambra.
- Scott’s Travels In Morocco And Algiers (early decades of 19th Century)
They are almost there!
- Diogenes

Most of us spend too much time on the last twenty-four hours and too little on the last six thousand years.
- Ariel and Will Durant

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great-uncle fought for the West.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Hang up and drive!
I love animals, they taste great.
- Bumper stickers

The Democrats are having a lot of fun exposing the Republican campaign corruption, but they would have a lot more fun if they knew where they could lay their hands on just a little of it themselves.
- Will Rogers

I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics; that is my physics.
- Michel De Montaigne

I hold the…view that history does exist for the young, but is divided into two epochs: the past two years, and everything that went before.
- Sydney Benzer

The Talmud, for example, was written by Jews, for Jews, so they could kvetch out every issue by answering a question with five other questions.
- Ira Ebbin

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.
- Joan Crawford



READERS’ COMMENTS

I know you have no time for liberal dribble but if you take the time to read this article I think you’ll agree that we are giving our friends in Latin America every opportunity to responsibly starve to death. 
http://www.thenation.com/docprint.mhtml?i=20050530&s=palast

I wish I had the foresight to invest in these bonds with the war around the corner but sadly no one called. I wonder if shrub’s “blind trust” has any money in this sweetheart investment.
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Diogenes Responds—

You are wrong about Diogenes’ opinions. I think that Ecuador should tell the U.S. and the World Bank to shove it. If their oil revenues are really going to be used for the improvement of the lives of the Ecuadorian people, they should break those loan arrangements and take advantage of energy boom. With the world oil situation as it is, I am sure that Ecuador can find many new “friends” with whom they could make more equitable agreements.
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I like your solution to the illegal Mexican problem. If we can't round 'em up, let's empty our prisons with the same offer and sneak them over the border.

As for the concept " piece, "no good deed ever goes unpunished. Once Israel gives up a piece, it will be easier to give up another and another and another. Nothing begets success like success. Does a gambler quit when he's winning? Does a robber quit after one heist? That's a novel approach of dealing with the enemy. Give them what they want. How does America deal with terrorists who capture Americans? We don't make a deal. But we expect Israel to do it. Do as I say, not as I do. So easy to give land away when it belongs to the other guy. Maybe we should offer the Palestinians Manhattan! Get 'em all out of Israel.



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