THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
July 2005, VOL. V, #9
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

PIGSKINS AIN’T JUST FOR FOOTBALL * 

As the toll of American service men and women increases at the hands of Islamic terrorists determined to win a place in Muslim heaven, I will suggest a technique that may well stop this carnage. In past issues of this report, I have suggested use of this technique which American forces employed very effectively against Islamic terrorists in the Philippines during the Spanish-American War.

If we collect the bodies and body parts of the Islamic terrorists and bury them in pigskins or even with pigs, Muslims believe that they will not be accepted into their heaven—the motivating factor that makes them willing to become “martyrs.” If we do this, and publicize what we are doing, the potential “martyrs” will, very likely, decline the offer of “martyrdom” and the opportunity to take their pick of the 70 black-eyed virgins which are promised to them in their next lives.

Unfortunately, America’s military and political leaders are too misguided and too cowardly to use this technique to protect the American servicemen whom they send to Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere in the Muslim world. They are concerned about upsetting the Muslim world. That is one, big sick joke! If moderate Muslims are distressed about preventing suicide bombers and other terrorist murderers from getting to heaven, we are never going to win them over. 

Let’s stop trying to get the Muslims to love us or respect us. Let’s get them to fear us.

I am tired of hearing the President and his gang in and out of Congress telling the American people to support our troops when these so-called leaders don’t really do what has to be done to protect our troops.

We should also recognize that the Israeli leadership is just as stupid and as cowardly as the American leadership on this issue!


FACE UP TO THE CONSEQUENCES*

The Democrats are screaming to the high heavens that George W. Bush will appoint a right-winger to the Supreme Court. Their problem is that they can’t do anything to stop it. The Republicans control the Senate, and the House and can pass any legislation they want, as well as approving every judicial appointment the President chooses. 

But the Democrats’ problems with the judicial appointments and legislation didn’t just jump up this week and bite them in the ass. These problems have been years in the making. The “leadership” of the party is fragmented. And whatever leadership there is has judged the mood of the voters poorly. What is worse, however, they have not articulated ideas and programs with the power to change the mood of the voters. Yet with all of these deficiencies, the Party came close to winning the past two presidential elections.

Apart from not articulating a meaningful program, the last two times out, when they might have won, the Democratic candidates didn’t demonstrate the personality and communications skills that could win over the American people. I think that better candidates could be selected in the proverbial smoke-filled room after midnight. Clinton was a Democratic anomaly; his only agenda was to use the bad economy to get elected. He had advisors who were “go for the jugular” and wouldn’t let him deviate from that agenda. Since then, stupidity, incompetence and a far left persona have been the hallmarks of the party.

Don’t cry now; the time to weep is before you select your next presidential candidate.


THE OLYMPICS AND IRAQ*

Don’t for a moment think that the selection of an Olympic city is based on the best venue for sports. It’s all about politics, economics and bribery. So, no one should be surprised that New York City was not selected for the 2012 games. New York is part of the United States. Although a lot of people west of the Hudson don’t think so, the rest of the world knows so. And we all know that the USA is not a world favorite these days—except for all the people who are willing to risk their lives to get here—and they’re not on the Olympic committee.

I would guess that the snubbing of New York might be a payback for Iraq and many other grievances by countries that can’t even field a dozen athletes for the games. And, maybe, the selection of London could be an additional slap in the face for America. “We picked your running dog, but not you.” Based on past history, I wouldn’t put the meanest motives beyond the sportsmen who run the Olympics.


CLEVER AND CLEVERER

Diogenes: I’m going to a barbeque.
Daughter: Are you going to stuff yourself with a ton of hot dogs?
Diogenes: Probably.
Daughter: What will your doctor say?
Diogenes: I report to a higher authority.
Son: You may report to that higher authority sooner than you planned


VOTERS BEWARE

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

Leonard F. Pickell, ex- president of the James Beard Foundation, the influential culinary institution was accused of misusing funds. Not only does his name fit his employment but it well-describes the situation in which he found himself.

Scientists at American Cynamid came up with an odorless, tasteless agricultural insecticide that they decided to try on German roaches. The scientists who ran the first tests dipped communion wafers in the poison. Since poison reduced the roach population by 90-95 percent, they toyed with the idea of selling the wafers under the label of The Last Supper. While the name idea fit, it didn’t fly.

Paws & Claws, pet shop, Providence RI


HUMOR

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mommy," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
His mother answered, "Not yet."
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A young named Sister Margaret Mary who works for a local home health agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can to start with and drive to the station for a fill-up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but if she would wait it was sure to be back shortly

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to the car. After looking through the car for something to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two men were watching from across the street. One turned to the other and said, “if it starts, I’ll become a Catholic.”
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He: Did you know that Marcel Marceau is Jewish?
She: I couldn’t tell, he doesn’t have an accent.


HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Sharon-Abbas Meeting Gets Mixed Grades
I give the meeting D- and that’s with grade inflation.

Chinese Oil Giant In Takeover Bid For U.S. Corporation
The Chinese love American. They’ll take one company from column A and two from column B. 

Lions Credited With Rescuing Kidnapped Girl In Ethiopia
No big deal, the Rotarians would have done the same.

For Betrayal By Swiss Bank And Nazis, $21 Million
So also Heidi was a Nazi.

New York City’s School Pools, Now Used For Dry Storage
Everyone into the pool! Oops. Call 911!

Vatican Praises Stance By Anglicans On Gays
How about their stance on altar boys?

Bush To Create New Unit In F.B.I. For Intelligence
How does he plan to raise their IQs?

Bank Leumi Forgave 600,000 NIS Of Sharon´s Debts 
Everyone seems to be forgiving Third World loans.

United Church Of Christ Backs Gay Marriage
Shouldn’t that be, backs into gay marriage?

Sharon To U.S. Jews: We Want You
U.S. Jews to Sharon: We don’t want you!

IDF Nabs Would-Be Bomber At Erez
The young women had explosives strapped into her underwear. Is this Victoria’s secret?

Chained Body Discovered
Diogenes’ comment can’t top the police opinion:
Detectives Say Man’s Death Is ‘Suspicious’


QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them. 

Do not call for black power or green power. Call for brainpower.
- Barbara Jordan

Walking on water wasn’t built in a day.
- Jack Kerouac

The pursuit of knowledge for its own sake, an almost fanatical love of justice, and the desire for personal independence—these are the features of Jewish tradition which makes me thank my stars that I belong to it.
- Albert Einstein

I am always writing about politics, or the Supreme Court, or World Court, or disarmament, or Russia, or any and everything. I don’t know more about ‘em than a boweevil—and I don’t even know how to spell boweevil. But I do have a sprinkling of knowledge on one thing. The difference between good times and bad times is gasoline, and what goes with it.
- Will Rogers 


History: the only proven antidote for utopianism.
- Daniel J. Boorstin

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
- Frank Morgan

Power travels in the bloodlines handed out before birth.
- Louise Eldridge

True interfaith dialogue is silence.
- Hillel Goldberg

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top
- English professor 



READERS’ COMMENTS

Re: June 28, 2105, Vol. V, #8 (Comments on George X. Bush)

I thought you would be interested on several letters on an exit strategy for Iraq. One is a letter in response to a letter from Congressman Shays, which I shamed out of him after his initial form letter response to my letter on Iraq exit strategy, which was published in the Advocate in January. The second letter is my latest one, recently sent to the NY Times, which will probably not publish it.

Have a nice 4th!
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March 23, 1999

Dear Congressman Shays,

I am prompted to write this letter to you based upon the recent congressional activity in proceeding with the funding of a ballistic missile defense program for “Rogue Nations”. After $55 billion has already been wasted on this chimera over the past 20 years, it appears to me that the Military Industrial Complex has once again latched on to the latest “bogey man”, namely the alleged capabilities of Iraq, Iran, and North Korea to build long range ballistic missiles which could carry nuclear warheads. 

As I have written to you on multiple occasions in the past, it is absolutely clear to anyone who has the will to see that “defense” projects such as these, the B1 and B2 bombers, the Osprey, the unneeded C17 troop transports that even DOD did not even ask for, etc. etc. are just a series of WPA “make work” projects for the Middle Class, and a colossal waste of my taxes.

My previous letters to you have been answered by innocuous form letters, not addressing my counter proposals for a more advantageous use of these funds at all, or, a letter from a D.O.E. administrator based upon your referral, stating that “this is not our present policy”, without commenting on or refuting my proposals.

In this particular case, I am not proposing another use for these funds. I am even going to stipulate that we may need to defend this country from rogue nation ballistic-missile-borne, atomic warheads, which, as many others have stated, can much more cheaply and successfully be brought in to the U.S. on a small powerboat. 

Given the above, I believe that a much more cost effective missile defense system against rogue nations would consist of the following:

1. We have ballistic missile submarines (Polaris, Poseidon, Trident) patrolling the world’s oceans on a continuing basis. These submarines have very little real function at present in deterring a Russian ballistic missile attack, and can readily position themselves in close proximity to “rogue nations”.

2. Rather than deploy a whole new series of ballistic missile interceptors in the U.S. at multi-billion dollar cost, using an unreliable midcourse or terminal intercept process which can easily be confounded by simple, balloon-type decoys, the few rogue nation ballistic missiles can be intercepted during their launch phase, or immediately thereafter, before any decoys can be deployed, by simply retargeting the existing Poseidon, or Trident missiles on these submarines, using their existing atomic warheads.

3. After destroying these rogue nation missiles, the submarines can then apply a punishing retaliation attack on the missile launch sites, using their remaining missiles.

4. The cost of such a defense system would represent a miniscule fraction of the cost of the missile defense systems currently being proposed, and I believe it would have a much higher probability of success in achieving the desired missile defense capability.

5. I am not familiar with the guidance and control systems of the existing Trident missiles, but I understand that they are all based upon inertial guidance. I believe that with modern missile tracking systems, these guidance systems could be reprogrammed at very low cost to perform an intercept function, based upon this missile tracking data. However, even if these guidance systems would have to be changed to a heat seeking type to home on the rogue nation missile booster and upper stage rockets, the cost of such a guidance system, which has probably been developed numerous times in the $55 billion effort thus far, would be insignificant in comparison to the cost of an entirely new ballistic missile defense system.

We are now making some desirable headway in reducing the $5 trillion national debt generated by WPA Projects for the Military Industrial Complex over the past 40 years, but we should not be spending the surplus money that is burning a hole in our pocket on further useless and unnecessary projects.

As a taxpayer, and a constituent who has supported you in the past, I respectfully request a responsible reply to this proposal, indicating where I have made an error, if such is the case.

I hope to hear from you soon.
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July 10, 2005

To the Editor, 

We have witnessed the disappearance of the WMD, 9/11, and Al Qaida justifications for the Iraq war. The most recent justification has been the promotion of democracy in the Middle East, as emphasized in President Bush's Tuesday speech. 

I submit that the results of the mostly democratic recent election in Iran of a non-US-friendly hard-liner, casts severe doubt on this last justification. Democratic elections will not necessarily gain the US any new friends, and may actually increase the possibility of anti-US terrorism. 

This leaves the only two Iraq war justifications, which have been all along: regime change and oil supply safeguards. 

Accordingly, I propose a long term solution to the Iraq quagmire; the redeployment of Coalition troops in defensive positions around Iraq oil facilities and electric power generation plants, which will greatly reduce US casualties to long term sustainable levels, and will be in the true interests of the United States. 
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Re: Changing Perspectives (Vol. V, #8)
Some more food for thought.
Changing Perspectives:


1975 Tattoos for men
2005 Tattoos for women

1975 Earrings for women
2005 Earrings for men

1975 Handbags for women
2005 Handbags for men

1975 Marriage between a man and a woman
2005 Marriage between a man and a man; a woman and a woman

2005 What's next!



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