THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
July 2005, VOL. V, #10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 (Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

AN ATTACK AGAINST US ALL*

My headline is the subhead of an article by Caroline B. Glick, the deputy managing editor of The Jerusalem Post titled “The London Bombing.” What a noble sentiment! How Jewish! But why bother? When Tony Blair ran down a list of countries that have suffered terrorist atrocities, he must have named close to a dozen. Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, he neglected to mention the country that has suffered more terrorist casualties than any other. I’ll give you one guess which country that was? 

It seems that terrorist attacks against Israel do not generate the sentiment that they are “an attack against all of us.” While Tony speaks well, I cannot speak well of him, nor can I feel that an attack against Great Britain is an attack against all of us.

Tony also called for an international conference on terrorism. Gee, when did he discover that terrorism was a problem? When it bit him in the ass? From what I read, Britain has been Europe’s friendliest environment for Muslim terrorists. Now that the Jihadist chickens the Brits pampered have come home to roost, they are talking about going all out against terrorism. So far it’s only talk. If and when the Brits get down to action will they recognize that Israel is one of the victims? Probably not.

The pity of it all is that the British victims of the terror attacks are its innocent citizens and not the British politicians and judges who are responsible for allowing the Muslim terrorists and their supporters to flourish.



THE END RUN KEEPS ON WORKING*

The Bush White House just pulled off, what they call in football, a well-designed play. Instead of trying to bull their way through the middle of the line with one of their mean, dirty-playing backs that the opposing team was gunning for, they gave the ball to a sub who was barely known in the stadium. He is doing an end run and sprinting toward the goal line without a hand being laid on him. 

Brilliant strategy! 

It sure looks like John Roberts is going to cross the goal as the newest Justice on the Supreme Court. Once again the opposition team, the Democrats, has been bamboozled by those hardball guys in the Republican Party. The Democratic team need a new coach and a new game plan or they will be reduced to trying to block extra points.



A CROOK, A CRAZY OR A KAPO?*

Is he a crook?

There is some buzz going around Israel that Prime Minister Sharon decided to pursue the expulsion of Jews from Gaza to prevent his indictment for a shady business deal involving the construction of a resort on a Greek island. He felt that his left wing opponents who control the government bureaucracy including the position of Attorney General would not want to interfere with such an expulsion. They would do nothing to deter him from this most important endeavor of catering to the Arabs and inflicting pain on Zionist families.

Actually, the Greek island affair was not the Sharon family’s only brush with Israeli law.
One of Sharon’s sons is facing indictment and possible prison time for illegal campaign fund activities during his father’s run for the office prime minister. It is hard to conceive that the prime minister himself was not aware of the large, illegal contributions to his campaign.

It is a definite possibility that the whole expulsion business was cooked up to prevent prosecution for crookedness. 

Is he crazy?

However, there are other possibilities behind his expulsion mania. With the long and continuing history of Arab terrorism and the inability or unwillingness of the PA to put an end to the violence, voluntarily expelling Jews from any part of the land of Israel is irrational. Leaving Gaza just puts the Arabs and their rockets closer to Israel’s heartland and enables the Egyptians to increase the flow of weapons across the border without requiring the need for smuggling the arms through tunnels. All of this is obvious to any sane person.

And Sharon’s brave talk about punishing the Arabs if they continue to attack is just talk—nothing more. He does not permit the IDF to punish them for the on-going attacks so why should we believe his promises for the future. Furthermore the outcry of the Europeans and the arm-twisting by America if Israel attacks the “independent” Palestinian nation of Gaza will prevent the spineless Israeli Government from retaliating for attacks. You don’t have to be scholar to understand the international implications, but you do have to be sane.

There is an even worse scenario which is unfolding—the country is being torn apart and the Zionist vision of a strong, proud Jewish nation is unraveling. Thousands upon thousands of people are demonstrating against the expulsion. Children are being imprisoned under inhumane conditions. Numbers of soldiers and police are refusing to help carry out the expulsions. It’s all right there in front of the prime minister’s eyes. It’s right there for any sane man to see. Is he afflicted by a touch of insanity or Alzheimer’s or some other type of dementia?

Is he a kapo?

In the Nazi death camps, some prisoners were selected, or volunteered, to help the Germans control the inmates. Some tried to help the prisoners, but some exercised their power harshly or even viciously. One might not be far off base by claiming that Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel is acting as a kapo for the Bush Administration in carrying out the Road Map. In a way, he is getting the extra crust of bread that the death camp kapos received. He is a welcome visitor at the White House. Israel still gets its annual stipend from America. And he is only made aware of what the U.S. might do in retaliation if he doesn’t play ball by serving as a kapo.

Please note that he is doing his kapo assignments despite the fact that the Arabs have not carried out any of their responsibilities. Before he launched his expulsion program, he was likely told that he should not expect the Arabs to do their part of the Road Map. But so what, the kapo is welcome at the White House. Don’t belittle it, that’s a big honor.

So decide for yourself: Sharon’s motivation for the expulsion is that
     1. he is a crook
     2. he is crazy
     3. he is a kapo



WHY WE FORWARD JOKES

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" 

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. “I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself; he then gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." “Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered; you are still important; you are still loved; you are still cared for; guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.



DELETE THOSE PROMISES

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem.


He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.


In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says,


"G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."


Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.


He turns his face up to heaven and says,


"Never mind, I just found one."



NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. 

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. 

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. 

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." 

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. 

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 18th, this will be a closed casket service.



SAY NO TO DRUGS, BUT KEEP AN OPEN MIND ABOUT NEW IDEAS

In 1531 Machiavelli said: "There is nothing so difficult to get accepted as a new idea..." 
Here is proof of the pudding from some great people. 


1. "Computers, in the future, may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

2. "I think there is a world market for, maybe, five computers."
--- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

3. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

4. "But what is it good for?"
--- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

5. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

6. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of. communication. The device is, inherently, of no value."
--- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

7. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

8. "The concept is interesting and well-formed. But, in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--- A Yale Univ. management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. 
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

9. "Who wants to hear actors talk?"
--- Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

10. "I'm just glad it will be Clark Gable who is falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind".

11. "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

12. "We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out."
--- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

13. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight.
--- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus training."

14. "Stocks have reached what looks like a, permanently, high plateau."
--- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

15." Airplanes are interesting toys, but of no military value."
--- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

16. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

17. "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--- Sir John Eric Ericksen, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.

18. "64K ought to be enough memory for anybody."
--- Bill Gates, 1981.

19. Gone with the Wind is a novel we could never put into a movie as it would be a dismal failure. 
--- Hollywood.

All ideas must be accepted with an open mind as they come out of the "blue" which is the huge tent that the world lives under.



SOME SLIPS OF THE TONGUE

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the [2004] Summer Olympics that they would like to take back

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"


WHAT HAPPENED TO “NEVER VOLUNTEER?”

In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies today, President Bush, announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people. Authorities have been unable to handle the millions of applicants who volunteered to be the moyel.


HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Crash-Test Researchers Used Human Bodies
In the best Germanic research tradition human bodies were used as crash-test dummies at an Austrian University. This time they were dead bodies

Russian Troops Hijack APB For Run To Vodka Stall
Almost like a police run to Dunkin Donuts.

Blair Blames Terror On Arab-Israeli Conflict
(Danielle Haas of the AP made up the story about Tony Blair’s comments. I suggest that as punishment, she is strapped into a suicide bomber vest and forced to go to AP headquarters in New York where the vest will be activated by remote control. From that point she will be sure to go to journalism heaven where she will greeted by 70 dark-eyed hunks that used to work for NPR and CNN.)

Israeli Airstrikes Kill 7 Militants In West Bank And Gaza
Given Sharon’s policies it’s hard to tell if the targets were Arabs or “Settlers.”

Westport Family Journeys To Zimbabwe To Meet Lemba
1. Hi, bro.
2. Westporters: You don’t look Jewish.
Lembas: You don’t look Jewish.

Police Debate If London Plotters Were Suicide Bombers, Or Dupes
Does Tony Blair plan to forgive them if they were dupes?

I.R.A. To Renounce Violence In favor Of Political Struggle
Are they’re hanging up their shillelaghs? 

Study Casts Doubt On Prayer’s Medicinal Value
Gee, the FDA gave its approval



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them.

We say to the entire world: Today Gaza, tomorrow Jerusalem. Today Gaza, and tomorrow the independent Palestinian state with Jerusalem as its capital.
- Ahmed Qurei/Abu Ala, prime minister of the Palestinian Authority.

If Algeria introduced a UN resolution declaring that the Earth was flat and that Israel had flattened it, it would pass 164 to 13 with 26 abstentions.
- Abba Eban

It was the Rabin government’s retreat from Jewish activism, and not any shift in Arafat’s policy of dismembering the Jewish State in stages, that brought about what was perceives by the international community as progress: the Oslo Accords.
- Jonathan Blass

Cosmo: Still living with your parents, Biff?
Biff: Yes…but it’s not easy at my age….they took away my TV privileges until I get a colonoscopy.
- SHOE (comic strip)

Those who would renegotiate the boundaries between church and state must therefore answer a difficult question. Why would we trade a system that has served us so well for one that has served others so poorly?
- Sandra Day O’Connor 

The deer season just opened. A deer hunter in Ventura County just brought in his first man yesterday.
- Will Rogers

A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is to put you on hold.
- Marlo Thomas

Apply Marxism in any country you want, you will always find a gulag at the end.
- Bernard-Henri Levy

History repeats its mistakes but not its accomplishments.
- Dagobert D. Runes

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and to cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
- Glenda Jackson



So says Diogenes. What do you say?  Click here to send in your comments 

Comments welcome. e-mail to: editor@diogenesreport.com
All issues of The Diogenes Report are on the website -- 
www.diogenesreport.com