THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
September 2005, VOL. V, #11
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)


THE CONSENSUS HAS TO BE: HE IS CRAZY*

Based on his expulsion of Jews from their homes in Gaza, I asked in the previous issue of The Diogenes Report if Prime Minister Sharon is a crook or crazy or a kapo. Just from reading this 7/29/05 news story from Arutz Sheva, an Israeli news service, the consensus opinion has to be “crazy.” I think the synonym “lunacy” better describes his mental condition. Further, I believe that if his motivation for the expulsion was his being a crook or a kapo, his recognition of the damage he was doing to Israel and the Jewish people would, by now, have put a stop to the expulsion plan. That’s just my opinion.

Rockets Falling; Israel Prepares More Towns For Bombardment
By Ezra HaLevi

As Kassam rockets continue to fall within Israel's pre-1967 borders, security forces are scrambling to develop a plan to protect towns bordering Gaza following the planned withdrawal. 

As Kassam rockets continue to fall within Israel's pre-1967 borders, security forces are scrambling to develop a plan to protect towns bordering Gaza following the planned withdrawal.

Four Kassam rockets landed overnight Wednesday and Thursday morning in Sderot and in open areas in the western Negev. The Red Dawn system went off in Sderot, alerting residents to seek shelter. No injuries or damage were reported.

The semi-successful "Red Dawn" early warning system, which has usually given Sderot residents just over a minute's warning that a rocket has been fired at their town, has now been installed in other cities and towns within firing range of Gaza.

The installation of the Red Dawn system in the major city of Ashkelon, reported by local Ashkelon residents who noticed antennae being erected throughout the city months ago, has now been confirmed. In expectation of sustained rocket attacks following a withdrawal from Gaza, the IDF Home Front Command and the local municipality have installed the system in the hope that it will save the lives of residents of the densely populated city.

Ashkelon is home to one of Israel's most important power stations (pictured above), which can be viewed clearly from Gaza.

There is widespread concern among the security establishment that it is only a matter of time until Gaza terrorists obtain Katyusha-type missiles similar to those possessed by the Hizbullah terror group in Lebanon, placing a large chunk of the Jewish State within firing range as well. 


A DISSENTING OPINION*

The head of a national Jewish organization told me that he asked Sharon why he was going to carry out the “disengagement.” “Sharon’s answer did not mention the word security,” he said. The reason that Prime Minister gave was the pressure from the American Government and the Europeans.

This dissenting opinion says that Sharon is a kapo.


ARAB HUMOR, A REPRISE

There is so little that’s funny about the Arabs—except the way they dress—that I am rerunning the following.

Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? 
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians?" 
It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? 
Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? 
It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. 
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. 
"I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. 
All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy: 
"After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Israeli Minister Quits As Pullout From Gaza Nears
About time!!!!

Vatican Rejects Israeli Complaint
The Holy See cannot take lessons or instructions from any other authority on the tone and content of its statements 
Achtung!!!

Israel must stop blocking attempts to rebuild Palestinian security forces. 
(subhead from NY Times editorial)
England and France should have armed and trained the SS before WWII. 
They practically did.

In Britain, Migrants Took A New Path: To Terrorism
At some point, according to the authorities, something poisoned Muktar Said Ibrahim and Yasin Hassan Omar
Something sure did—Islam

Chinese General Threatens Use of A-Bombs If U.S. Intrudes
It may gain them Taiwan but it’s sure to lose them Wal-Mart.

Senate's Leader Veers From Bush Over Stem Cells
I guess that Bush is the only one who is afraid that some cured Alzheimers patient becomes smarter than he is.

Scotland Yard Challenged By Missteps In Bombing Inquiry
They must think they are the CIA. 

NASA Administrator Says Debris Problems Will Be Quickly Fixed
They are trying to find a stronger Elmer’s Glue.

Suicide Bomber Attacks Army Recruits In Northern Iraq
How come al Quaeda has no trouble filling their suicide bomber quotas?

New York Medicaid Fraud May Reach Into Billions
Not everyone thinks that the American healthcare system doesn’t work.

Rehnquist Denies Rumor of Retirement
God tried to tell him it was more than a rumor.

Pataki Will Test '08 Winds In Iowa
He is tired of passing wind in New York.

WorldCom Head Is Given 25 Years For Huge Fraud
Can you hear me now? I don’t care if it’s the wrong phone company.

New Mayor's Request To Los Angeles: 'Dream With Me'
Is everyone on drugs?

Court Nominee Prizes 'Modesty,' He Tells The Senate
So he plans to wear underwear under his black robes.

Playing The China Card
Mah Jongg?

CIBC Pays To Settle Enron Case
It looks like a one cent on the dollar settlement.

Worry Grows As Iraq's Defense Ministry Falls Short Of Expectations
The same question keeps popping up: how come the terrorists never seem to fall short of expectations?

Army Finds Few Lapses In Health Care Of Prisoners
They seem to be getting better care than our vets in the VA Healthcare System.

Israeli Arab Smuggled 150 Rifles From Sinai To PA
That’s not a chargeable offence under the Oslo Agreement, the minimum for charges is 250 rifles. It’s like carrying less than a1/4 oz. of marijuana in the U.S.

Bush Dismisses Qaeda Tape, Condemns Zawahri
Bush says: “If that raghead thinks he reach Crawford , he’s got another think coming…but if it looks like he might get through I’ll find out where Cheney is hiding .”

Iran Tells Europe It's Devoted To Nuclear Efforts And Talks
Now that’s what I call devotion.

Catholic Leaders Oppose New Cell Research
Does this mean they don’t more questions asked of priests in their prison cells?

After Eight Years, Researchers Crack Rice’s Gene Code
It’s about time that someone got into her jeans.

City Nets Global Warming Award
The hot air coming from our politicians finally paid off.

Pay Phone Bill Or We'll Hospitalise You, Briton Told
You can be sure the threat didn’t come from his HMO



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them.

The new Dragon Lady: Condoleeza Rice.
- Diogenes

It’s amazing how the explanations of results in mutual fund literature undergo a transformation from a successful year to an unprofitable year. When the results are positive the writing is clear and understandable. When the results are below par, you need a hieroglyphic expert to decipher the explanation.
- Diogenes

Jay Leno: What do you think of Jude Law?
“George W. Bush”: Jay, they call it Torah. We got to be respectful.

The old mantra “land for peace” has been replaced by “land for peace of mind.” The left wing prosecutors and judges will give Sharon “peace of mind”—no indictments for crooked land deals and voting frauds—if he gives Israeli land to the Arabs. 
- Diogenes

President Bush’s environmental policy: no tree left behind.
- Jay Leno

The formal laws of nature do not describe nature; they describe our present state of knowledge of nature.
- J. A. Wheeler

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. 
- Sam Levenson

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, 
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. 
- Joe E. Lewis

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop to ask directions.
- Anonymous

With all of the vacation time George W. Bush takes, isn’t he worried that his job might be outsourced?
- Diogenes

I work behind the counter at Starbucks, my father was a software engineer my grandfather worked in a steel mill. The new American reverse “success” story.
- Diogenes 

George W. Bush is the most optimistic guy in the world. The people in so-called Iraq haven’t been able to compromise on anything for a couple of thousand years, but he expects them to compromise on the constitution in the next couple of weeks.
- Diogenes

Political Correctness: an emotional sickness that negatively impacts the intellect.
- Diogenes 

All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
- Sean O’Casey

We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.
- The Talmud



AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

                II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

                III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

                IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

                V

I walk down another street.

So says Diogenes. What do you say?  Click here to send in your comments 

Comments welcome. e-mail to: editor@diogenesreport.com
All issues of The Diogenes Report are on the website -- 
www.diogenesreport.com