THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
December 2005, VOL. V, #13
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

ARE THEY TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING?*

Every U.S. official from George W. Bush on down (or up) uses the same speech about terrorism. To point out how evil and far reaching terrorism is they run down a list of the countries hit by terrorists. The list includes the U.S., England, Spain, Turkey, Pakistan, Russia, Indonesia, the Philippines, Jordan and Morocco. One name is always missing. Israel. I keep forgetting that the attacks in Israel are not the work of terrorists but of freedom fighters. Isn’t always OK to kill Jews? Maybe that’s what they are trying to tell us. And maybe, just maybe, we should be listening attentively.

WHEN IS A TAX INCREASE NOT A TAX INCREASE?*

Are you stupid, or something? A tax increase is not a tax increase when you call it by another name. Some examples: when you raise the tolls on the bridges to the point that you wonder whether it pays to drive to work or go on welfare; when the energy companies –with a wink at the Cheney administration--know that they can raise the price of gasoline to the point that you wonder whether it pays to drive to work or go on welfare; when the cost of heating your home --courtesy of the same wink—goes so high that you consider using the rafters of your house for firewood and when you run out of rafters you’ll move to a homeless shelter; when the Cheney administration implements the program it is considering to tax company health benefits; or when the Cheney administration eliminates the deductibility of mortgage interest. The list can go on and on—like when the government eliminated the deductibility of credit card interest.

To paraphrase Bill Shakespeare who said: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Diogenes says: A tax increase by any other name would emit the same foul odor.”

Do you feel a little smarter now that you know when a tax increase is not a tax increase?



I CALL IT FASCISM OR COMMUNISM OR JUST GOOD OLD SLAVERY*

At this writing it appears that New York City may experience a transit strike. A judge has already issued a preliminary injunction prohibiting a strike. This kind of behavior by the judiciary is not unusual, in the past judges have issued injunctions against airline, railroad and other employees that were prepared to strike. Even legislatures have passed laws prohibiting strikes by government employees. I believe that forcing people to work against their will is a sign of a fascist or communist state or even a form of slavery.

There is no question but that this type of strike can cause great inconvenience or even danger to the community. If the concern about the welfare of the community is so overwhelming, why don’t the judges issue an injunction against the employers, be they commercial organizations or public entities requiring them to meet the workers demands until the issues are satisfactorily negotiated? Why place the entire burden on the workers? Certainly, the employers can more easily absorb the burden of serving the community—if it is a burden—than the workers.

Forcing people to work against their will is nothing less than involuntary servitude and that’s un-American!



IS THE IRAQI ELECTION A SIGN OF DEMOCRACY?*

Not all elections are a sign of democracy. I believe it depends on the mindset of the voters. I would say that in truly democratic countries, citizens vote on the basis of promoting an agenda, which they expect, will be worked out peacefully by the legislative and executive branches. I do not feel that is the mindset of most Iraqi voters.

Each voter is casting a ballot in the hope of submerging his or her enemies. These enemies could be the Sunnis or the Shiites or the Kurds, or the followers of a different imam or the members of a different tribe or secularists or supporters of women’s rights, etc., etc., etc. Each vote is meant to drive a nail in the coffin of an enemy; to prevent an enemy from pursuing a separate agenda; to give an enemy no rights; and everyone is an enemy.

This is the Arab/Muslim “democracy” that Americans are dying for. 



SUBJECT: NBA or NFL?

It must be the NBA!

Or is it the NFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? … . . . . Scroll down, citizen!



It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

I did not run this through Urban Legends but it sounded so true to life that I decided it to run it anyway.



HOW CUSTOMS GET STARTED

A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.

The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her."

So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.

The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."

Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home.

"You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"

"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"



WHY THEY TRY TO KEEP WOMEN OUT OF THE FIRE STATION

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 
"You know we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say...

BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife eagerly jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"



NAMES*
Names that fit and names that don’t.

Here is a book name that fits: Lost New Orleans by Mary Cable, published in 1980.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

As A Face Transplant Heals, Flurries Of Questions Arise
First question: what’s going to happen to that old saying about ‘losing face?’

Terrorists Wound Jerusalem Youth
The EU wants to divide Jerusalem. I say to the EU: 4Q. As for the Arabs, who are squatters in Jerusalem, send them to Amman or Damascus and let them divide those cities.

Under Duress, Egypt's Islamist Party Still Surges At Polls
As soon as Mubarak dies Egypt will become a fundamentalist enemy of the U.S. Perhaps even sooner.

Post-Taliban Free Speech Blocked By Courts, Clerics In Afghanistan
I guess everyone defines democracy differently. What say you, George?

10 New York Hotels For Under $250 A Night
But who wants to sleep in a homeless shelter?

Military's Information War Is Vast And Often Secretive
Of course it’s secretive, the military doesn’t want the public to know how vastly wrong it is.

The elections in Iraq will be the most democratic ever held in the whole Middle East
(from a speech by Condoleeza Rice)
Excuse me, has Israel already been moved to Europe?

Eight Killed As Violence Mars Final Day Of Egyptian Elections
Only eight killed and several thousand injured (during the campaign), democracy is really taking hold in the Arab world.

Venezuela Oil offer Already Generating Heat In USA
This is an opportunity for Bush to upstage Chavez and offer lower priced oil to low income households.

Congratulations To The 2005-06 National Finalists Of The Siemens Westinghouse Competition In Math, Science & Technology (Adv.)
The group photo is not Politically Correct; it only shows Caucasians and Asians.

Chad Backs Out Of Pledge To Use Oil Wealth To Reduce Poverty
What we need is more hanging Chads—specifically their leaders.

290,000 Israelis Eligible To Vote In Iraqi Elections
Maybe if they vote as a bloc they can take over the government and move the Iraqi oil wells to the Negev.

Arabs Now The Plurality In Labor Party
In addition to the Labor Zionists and Religious Zionists we now can add the Arab Zionists.

Jonathan Pollard To Likud Members: Choose Feiglin
Big deal! Diogenes said it first.

Sales Of Impotence Drugs Fall, Defying Expectations
Maybe men are finding mo’ impotent things to do than screwing.

Military Admits Planting News In Iraq
They’re recycling the Viet Nam publicity. I thought those ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ releases sounded familiar.

Real Border Security
If anyone really wants border security they should jail—yes, jail—the employers that hire illegals,

Iranian President: “Wipe Israel Off The Map”
1. No problem, Israel is not on Persian or Arab maps.
2. Nuke the Persians. Saddam worded it differently. During the Iran-Iraq War, his slogan was ‘kill the Persians.’ He felt this was more effective than ‘kill the Muslims’ or ‘kill the Shiites.’

U.S. And Britain Try A New Tack On Iran
Maybe that’s their problem. They should try using bombs and bullets instead of tacks.

How does President Bush's relationship with his father compare with the relationship between presidents John Adams and John Quincy Adams? (sub-head)
That’s not fair—comparing the Bushes to English speakers.

PA Party Campaign Slogan: "Destroy The Zionist Enterprise"
I thought it was Sharon’s slogan.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
not that he necessarily agrees with them.

One cannot serve humanity at the expense of Israel.
- Diogenes (with a tip of the kippah to Georges Clemenceau)

All new plays are old plays.
- Tom Stoppard

Viewing with dismay the conditions in somebody else’s backyard is a specialty of The New York Times.
- John Crosby 

It does not matter how small you are if you have faith and a plan of action.
- Fidel Castro

The moment you have a plan you cease to be a revolutionary.
- Daniel Cohn-Bendit

I think, therefore Descartes is.
- Saul Steinberg 

Total victory in Vietnam means peace.
- Francis Cardinal Spellman

Deliberation is a function of the many; action is a function of one.
- Charles De Gaulle

Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one has to stay awake all day.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

The man who listens to reason is lost: Reason enslaves all whose minds are not strong enough to master her.
- George Bernard Shaw

I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.
- Marilyn Monroe

Passion and prejudice govern the world.
- John Wesley

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
- Laurence J. Peter 

There are people who have the courage to die for the cause of another who have not the temerity even to speak up for their own.
- Roman Rolland

…the most German-loving people who ever lived are (or were) the German Jews. They looked, talked, thought exactly like Germans. Even their names sounded exactly like German names. And they even shared with the Germans an aversion for Jews—that is Jews of other countries. There were never such obedient and appreciative Germans as the German Jews. They swooned with German culture. And even when the Germans loved English or French culture, the German Jews loved only German culture.
- Ben Hecht

Dad: How can you tell if a military condolence letter is signed by Rumsfeld or a machine?
Mom: Is it warm, caring and compassionate?
Dad: Yes.
Mom: The machine did it.
- Walt Handelsman (editorial cartoon)

How curious then, that the media showed no interest in a most remarkable utterance that our nation's top economic official recently made about a crucial policy that affects millions of working families. Greenspan, in his usual imperious and droning way, was dumping a load of economic gobbledygook on the house banking committee, when Rep. Bernie Sanders cut through the verbiage to ask a direct question: "Are you for abolishing the minimum wage?" Startled, the master of obfuscation uncharacteristically blinked and blurted: "I would say that if I had my choice the answer is, of course."
- Jim Hightower

You’ve got to stay alive even if it kills you.
- Sholom Aleichem

Opinion is ultimately determined by the feelings and not by the intellect.
- Herbert Spencer

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.
- Oscar Wilde

Jesus said, Love; the Church says, Pay.
- Victor Hugo

Do not confuse your vested interests with ethics. Do not identify the enemies of your privilege with the enemies of humanity.
- Max Lerner

No man can tame a tiger into a kitten by stroking it. There can be no appeasement with ruthlessness. There can be no reasoning with an incendiary bomb.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

The wishful thinking of most Israelis is beyond insanity.
- Diogenes

It’s amazing that George W. Bush got passing grades at Yale and he wasn’t even a football or basketball player. 
- Diogenes

The man who walks alone is soon trailed by the F.B.I.
- Wright Morris

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
- C. G. Jung



READERS’ COMMENTS

In your latest report Diogenes has reverted to Greek theater. He puts on the tragedy mask to correctly call Bush a bumbling idiot in Iraq and Afghanistan, while he puts on the happy mask to naively assume that Bush is a masterful puppeteer to Ariel Sharon, who will lose the upcoming Israeli election. This is to be expected in Greek theater, but how can These dichotomous thoughts come out of one brain?

It is clear that with Shimon Peres joining Sharon's new party, whose platform will conform to the wishes of a majority of the Israeli electorate, both Labor and Likud will become fringe parties.

Diogenes should switch nationalities and produce more of the Jewish Zen couplets.

Happy Chanukah
Diogenes responds--

You’ll find my comments about the majority of the Israeli electorate elsewhere in this issue.


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