THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
March 2006, VOL. V, #3
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

THE MEAN STEPMOTHER IS BACK*

After years of turning her children (employees) out in the cold and forcing her distant relatives (shareholders) to take one cold bath after another, Ma Bell is back and throwing her weight around. We thought we had seen the last of her after she turned her son Lucent out on the street without ever preparing him to compete in an open economy. He was always considered a prodigy when his Ma was protecting him, but in the face of competition he fell apart. Ma always was the biggest bully in her neighborhood.

That was really the story of Ma Bell, a neat housekeeper who seemed to be on top of things as long as she was protected by her Uncle. Ma wasn’t concerned that her neighbors might complain about her bullying. Under her Uncle’s shield, she even controlled that neighborhood protection service known as the FCC. But as soon as her Uncle cut her loose, Ma nor her kids knew how to conduct themselves against competition. For almost one hundred years nobody in her communications neighborhood could stand up to Ma’s overbearing behavior.

Despite Ma’s claims that she provided the best communications services in the world, communications began to flourish with new services and products just as soon as MA was banished to a nursing home by her Uncle. All of the neighbors that Ma used to stomp suddenly became greater prodigies than her son Lucent. And the American people loved all of the new products and services that improved the quality of their lives. They also loved the fact that everything was now cheaper than when Ma was ruling the roost.

Undoing the wise move

Everyone was happy except Ma’s brothers who started to plot and plan how to bring the family back together. The other people that were unhappy were the children who used to work for Ma and her brothers—but nobody gave a damn about them and, anyway, they had no clout. Slowly but surely, Ma Bell’s ugly family is being reunited. Living together under one roof will give them great opportunities to hatch and carry out their nefarious schemes. Watch them build obstacles to our use of the Internet. Watch them drive the small creative communications companies out of business. Watch your communications costs go up and up and up. Watch the rate of innovation go down. 

Who will protect the consumers and small business users of communications services? Surely not the Federal Communications Commission, that bastion of incompetence that focused solely on keeping porn off the airwaves. The agency probably will return to the days when Ma Bell’s representatives blanketed the place.
Think about it. There has been more innovation in communications in the 20 years since the break up of AT&T than in the previous 100 years when there was no competition.

Perhaps calls and e-mails to your representatives and senators calling for them to stop the ATT-Bell South merger may be helpful. I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.



A TEMPEST IN A PEEPOT*

Since there is very little in the world worth reporting, the media has created, as it often does, its own news. It’s called the Barry Bonds circus based on the allegations that he used steroids or other muscle enhancing drugs. The newsmakers are jumping through fiery hoops and walking the high wire mainly because Barry is approaching a couple of sacred home run records. It’s a tempest that’s not worth elevating to a teapot level.

I ask who cares if he used or uses drugs? Which of us—sports writers, fans or other ballplayers—could hit over 700 home runs even with drugs? Remember, Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs after consuming many, many barrels of that drug—alcohol. Some may say he could have hit more home runs if he didn’t drink. I say, maybe the booze enabled him to reach the long-standing 714 record. Also, I don’t recall anyone demanding that the hitting or pitching records of other boozers should be asterisked or that they should not be voted into the Hall of Fame.

So all you guys watching the game at home or sitting in the ballpark and puffing on a weed or finishing off a six pack, cut Barry some slack.



FOR MEN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" 
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" 
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." 
And they say blondes are dumb... 

*-*-*

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." 

*-*-*

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" 
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. 

*-*-*

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 

*-*-*

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! 

*-*-*

A PRAYER.... 
Dear Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him; 
And Patience for his moods. 
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, 
I'll beat him to death. 
AMEN 

*-*-*

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 

*-*-*

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts. 

*-*-*

Q:: What is the difference between men and women? 
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. 

*-*-*

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

*-*-*

THOSE WOMEN DON’T GIVE UP

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" 

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away......."We're down here!"



A BUBBIE STORY

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me."

He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah".



THEY NEVER LISTEN TO YOU

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly; "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very … closely…

“ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS*
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Hamas Launches Web Site Encouraging Kids to Become ´Martyrs’
Listen up kids, we’re sending a note to your parents telling them if you don’t actually become martyrs you’ll have to repeat kindergarten.

White House Declines To Provide Storm Papers
The start of another perfect storm!

Comptroller´s Report Scathes Disengagement Executors
Israel’s Katrina.

In New York, A Grisly Traffic In Body Parts
They ain’t so careful about how they treat the living body either.

Dutch To Return Art Seized By Nazis
Too bad they can’t return the Jews they handed over to the Nazis.

Muslim Protests Against Cartoons Spread
Christians don’t recognize Muhammad; Jews don’t recognize Jesus; two Baptists in a liquor store don’t recognize each other; and two Muslims going into a comedy club also don’t recognize each other, but decide to burn down the club.

Israel To Cooperate With Palestinian Authority For Now
Please note: this doesn’t mean that the Arabs will cooperate with Israel.

Census Foresees An Older, And Wiser, America
Why wiser?

Company's Errors On SAT Scores Raise New Qualms About Testing
If you’ve been around long enough, you can remember when a lot of student errors raised qualms about the tests.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
Not that he necessarily agrees with them. Not even his own.

Hamas may want a ‘technician’ to be their front man.
   - Dennis “The Menace” Ross

Which kind of technician will Hamas choose—the kind who assembles suicide bomber vests, or the one that builds roadside bombs, or the one that repairs Kassam rocket launchers?
   - Diogenes

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
- Rita Rudner

He who laughs last didn’t get it.
- Helen Giangregorio

Public opinion…requires us to think other men’s thoughts, to speak other men’s words, to follow other men’s habits.
- Walter Bagehot

When a writer becomes the center of his (own) attention, he has become a nudnick, and a nudnick who believes he is profound is even worse than just a plain nudnick.
- Isaac Bashevis Singer

Poverty of goods is easily cured; poverty of the mind is irreparable.
- Michael Montaigne

Modesty: the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.
- Anonymous

Just gimme the people as can save my soul,
I wanna get lost in that rock-and roll.
- Song refrain (It sounds better with music than it reads in print,)

A serial killer: a guy who knocks off three boxes of Capt’n Crunch at breakfast.
- Diogenes

Jimmie Carter: Billy Carter with carpentry skills and without a beer belly. 
- Diogenes

One loses many laughs by not laughing at oneself.
- Sara Jeannette Duncan


READERS’ COMMENTS

Re: your two state solution.

You accuse the IDF of using "pinpricks" against terrorism (is the use of a rocket attacks to kill their leadership pinpricks?), but you ignore that it is only the power of the IDF which prevents another Arab invasion from all sides. Would this new entity be able to defend itself or would Israel need to continue to shield it against inevitable assaults?

So while the new entity might well be able to pacify/expel its local Arabs, the ensuing confrontation would of necessity bring on a major war in which Israel would be truly alone. 

DIOGENES’ RESPONSE

Not to worry. The IDF will continue to do what it does best-- under the present, and likely to be the next, government—take out a couple of Arabs at a time. They would never think of defeating a whole Arab army, it would upset Israel’s “friends” in the West. If Judea is invaded, I have full confidence that the Jewish Davids will wipe out the Arab goliaths—much to the disappointment of the U.S. State Department and all of the Europeans. 

Visit my new blog, DIOGENES # XXI at http://diogenesxxi.blogspot.com/


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