THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
May 2006, VOL. V, #10
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ISLAM I

“I was ordered to fight all men until they say, ‘There is no God but Allah.’”
-Muhammad

“I shall cross this sea to their islands to pursue them until there remains no one on the face of the earth who does not acknowledge Allah.”
-Saladin (12th century conqueror of the Middle East & victor over the Crusaders)

”We will export our revolution throughout the world…until the calls ‘There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger’ are echoed all over the world.”
-Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini

“I was ordered to fight the people until they say ‘there is no God but Allah, and his prophet is Muhammad.’”
-Osama bin Laden

"We are convinced of the [future] victory of Allah; we believe that one of these days, we will enter Jerusalem as conquerors, enter Jaffa as conquerors, enter Haifa as conquerors, enter Ramle and Lod as conquerors, the [villages of] Hirbiya and Dir Jerjis and all of Palestine as conquerors, as Allah has decreed... 'They will enter Al-Aqsa Mosque as they have entered it the first time...'"

"Anyone who does not attain martyrdom in these days should wake in the middle of the night and say: 'My God, why have you deprived me of martyrdom for your sake? For the martyr lives next to Allah'...”

“Our enemies suffer now more than we do. Why? Because we are convinced that our dead go to Paradise, while the dead of the Jews go to Hell, to a cruel fate. So we stand firm and steadfast, in obedience to Allah..."
-Ibrahim Madhi (sermon delivered in Gaza City by the Palestinian Authority Imam) 

“Allah the almighty has called upon us not to ally with the Jews or the Christians, not to like them, not to become their partners, not to support them, and not to sign agreements with them… Allah, deal with the Jews, your enemies and the enemies of Islam. Deal with the Crusaders, and America, and Europe behind them…" 
-Dr. Ahmad Abu Halabiya, (sermon at a mosque in the United Arab Emirates)

“High time to destroy the Zionist presence in the Arab homeland.”
- Hafez al-Assad (1967) 



RANDOM INSIGHTS*

Population Transfers

Why isn’t the world up in arms when the policies of the Mexican Government force millions of its citizens to be uprooted from their homes and trek to another country?

Why isn’t the world up in arms when millions of Chinese are forced from their homes and traditional ways of life and unwillingly relocated in other parts of the country?

Why wasn’t the world up in arms when millions of Germans were forced out of their homes so that Poland could annex portions of eastern Germany?

Why wasn’t the world up in arms when hundreds of millions of Hindus and Muslims were forced out of their homes when India and Pakistan became independent nations?

Why wasn’t the world up in arms when millions of Jews were forced out of their homes by Nazis—German and others—and sent to their deaths?

Why isn’t the world up in arms over the Muslim Arabs driving the Christian Arabs out of the P.A. administered territory?

Why wasn’t the world—or even America up in arms—when the U.S. Government uprooted scores of Indian tribes from their traditional homes and drove them (not by vehicles) hundreds of miles to strange areas? We have seen some remorse over 100 years later, a great deal probably coming from American Jews who were not responsible for the transfers. Knowing their mindset, these same Jews show no remorse over the uprooting of Jews from Gaza, Samaria and Judea. 

Why wasn’t the world up in arms when thousands of Jews in Gaza were forced out of their homes? Why weren’t the Jews?

Why does the world get up in arms at the very thought of expelling the Arabs from the land of Israel to Arab countries? Especially some Jews!



I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE*

The other day as I was driving along, I started to play a mind-game, using the “I know the difference” technique that I decided could be a valid measure of my “cultural literacy.” While playing I was able to keep my eyes on the road as the trip flew by. When I came back home, I decided to write down the list that I recalled…then I started to expand the list. Rest assured that I know the difference even where there is no apparent difference. What follows is the initial expanded list of my “cultural literacy” test.

I know the difference between Richard Nixon and Trot Nixon
I know the difference between Thomas Jefferson and Jefferson Airplane
I know the difference between Louis Armstrong, Lance Armstrong and Jack Armstrong
I know the difference between John J. McGraw and Ali McGraw
I know the difference between Carmen Miranda and your Miranda rights
I know the difference between Saddam Hussein and King Hussein
I know the difference between Dwight Eisenhower and Julie Nixon Eisenhower
I know the difference between Ringo Starr and Ringolevio
I know the difference between Karl Marx, Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx and Chico Marx 
I know the difference between CBS and SBC
I know the difference between Robert Louis Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson
I know the difference between the Ten Commandments and the first ten amendments
I know the difference between the Wright brothers, Warner brothers and Eberle Brothers
I know the difference between Albert Einstein and Einstein Bagels
I know the difference between the Andrews sisters and sob sisters
I suffer from cultural literacy!

I know the difference between Valerie Harper and Harper’s Ferry
I know the difference between the Gold Rush Forty Niners and the NFL Forty Niners
I know the difference between the Napa Valley and Valley Forge 
I know the difference between Babe Ruth and Baby Ruth
I know the difference between Dolly Madison, Dolly the clone and Salvador Dali
I know the difference between “the father of our country” and “the father of waters”
I know the difference between Willie Mays and Carl Mays
I know the difference between Tom Wolfe and Thomas Wolfe
I know the difference between Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonds and Julian Bonds
I know the difference between Martin Luther King, Martin Luther and Don King
I know the difference between Ariel Sharon and Sharon Stone
I know the difference between Richard Wagner, Robert Wagner and Porter Wagoner
I know the difference between Leonard Bernstein and Carl Bernstein
I know the difference between Demosthenes and Diogenes
I know the difference between Jackie Chan and Charlie Chan
I suffer from cultural literacy!

I know the difference between the Lubavitcher and the Satmar
I know the difference between Andrew Jackson, Jesse Jackson and Mahalia Jackson 
I know the difference between the Panama Canal and the alimentary canal
I know the difference between a polyp and a parsnip
I know the difference between 714 and 666
I know the difference between Notre Dame and There’s Nothing Like A Dame
I know the difference between Bette Davis and Sammy Davis
I know the difference between William James and Harry James
I know the difference between Captain Ahab and Captain Queeg
I know the difference between Robert Browning and a BAR
I know the difference between John Lennon and Nicholai Lenin
I know the difference between Susan B. Anthony and Anthony Lewis
I know the difference between liberation theology and Liberace
I know the difference between the Catholic Pope and the Coptic Pope
I know the difference between the CIA in Langley, VA and the CIA in Hyde Park, NY
I suffer from cultural literacy!

I know the difference between Bob Jones University and Bobby Jones
I know the difference between Stamford University in CA and Samford University in AL
I know the difference between Leaves of Grass and smoking grass
I know the difference between Jules Verne and the vernal equinox
I know the difference between Clark Gable and The House of the Seven Gables
I know the difference between MIT and FIT
I know the difference between off-Broadway and off-off-Broadway
I know the difference between the Manhattan Project and the “projects”
I know the difference between Cairo, Illinois and Cairo, Egypt
I know the difference between Homer’s Ulysses, Joyce’s Ulysses and Ulysses S. Grant
I know the difference between Houston, TX and Houston Street in NYC
I know the difference between Beethoven’s Fifth and a fifth
I know the difference between Tennessee Williams and the Tennessee Valley Authority
I know the difference between an Apache Reservation and an Apache helicopter
I know the difference between King Lear and a Lear jet
I suffer from cultural literacy!

I know the difference between Otto Kahn, Kublai Kahn and Genghis Kahn
I know the difference between Magic’s Johnson, Lyndon Johnson and Ladybird Johnson
I know the difference between St. Patrick and Patrick Kennedy
I know the difference between tottering with Jim Beam and tottering on a balance beam
I know the difference between Helen Keller and “King Kong” Charlie Keller
I know the difference between Tosca and Toscanini
I know the difference between the prophet Muhammad and Muhammad Atta
I know the difference between Neville Chamberlain and Wilt Chamberlain
I know the difference between “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and a hunchback whale
I know the difference between Ethan Allen’s Green Mountain Boys and 
Ethan Allen’s Furniture
I know the difference between Alessandro Volta and Upper Volta
I know the difference between Yukon and UCONN
I know the difference between Charles Atlas and Atlas who held the world on his shoulders
I know the difference between Geraldo Rivera and Diego Rivera
I know the difference between Daniel Pearl, Minnie Pearl and Pearl Bailey
I suffer from cultural literacy.

I know the difference between blue blood, blue grass, bluegrass, the blues and the Blue Danube
I know the difference between Jimmy Carter, Benny Carter and the Magna Carta
I know the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Mount Rushmore
I know the difference between Judge Crater and Crater Lake National Park
I know the difference between Oliver Twist, Oliver North and Oliver Stone 
I know the difference between a carpetbagger, carpet-bombing and Persian carpets
I know the difference between Lyndon Johnson and Lyndon La Rouche
I know the difference between Mother Theresa, Mother Jones, Old Mother Hubbard and Mother Machree
I know the difference between the RAMBAM, the RAMBAN and the autobahn.

I guess I could go on and on, but why don’t you test your cultural literacy. Send me an 
e-mail of your suffering and I will print it in a future issue. If you so desire, I will include your name.



SO MUCH FOR THE WORLD’S BEST MEDICAL SYSTEM

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS*
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes.

Out Of Desert Poverty, A Caldron Of Rage In The Sinai
Is there any place in the world where the Muslims are not raging?

Episcopalians Reject Gay Candidates
Of course, Episcopalians are very serious people.

Optimistic, Democrats Debate The Party's Vision
When it comes to their “vision,” they should learn to use Braille.

From Latinos' Rally, Hopes For A Movement
If the rally doesn’t work, they should try Ex-Lax

Clash Foreseen Between C.I.A. And Pentagon
Forget the war on terrorism; the real fight is about to begin!

U.S., Allies Agree To Palestinian Aid
It took longer for them to cave in than I predicted.

Migrating Birds Didn't Carry Flu
They sent it on ahead.

Putin Urges Plan To Reverse Slide In The Birth Rate
Russia to become major importer of Viagra and Cialis.

Sirius To Begin A Catholic Channel
It’s call-in radio channel to be known as ‘The Sins of the Fathers.”

Christian Foes Of 'Da Vinci Code' Debate How To Fight It
They appear to have given up on their old way of just burning the book.

Of U.S. Children Under 5, Nearly Half Are Minorities
Our military recruiters are rubbing their hands in glee and anticipation.

Israel To Transfer Tax Revenue Funds To PA
Jewish insanity!

Peres: We'll Give Hamas 6-12 Months Before Starting Withdrawal
We need time to build up our courage before we commit suicide.

Why Jews Should Worry About ‘The Da Vinci Code’
As if we don’t have enough to worry about.

House-Senate Battle On Immigration Likely
I like refried beans almost as much as the next guy, but I’d like to see a Mexican Exclusion Act, as well as exclusion acts for all of the other illegals.

U.S. Plan To Lure Nurses May Hurt Poor Nations
If they don’t speak English, don’t lure them. It also may hurt U.S. patients.

Hoffa Search Finds Town's Sense Of Humor
My sense of humor tells me that as soon as they find Hoffa, they’re going to search for Judge Crater.

Bush Orders FBI-Congress Documents Sealed 
A great political ploy. Now the crooked Democratic Congressman will swing in the media breeze for 45 days.

Some In Mexico See Border Wall As Opportunity
Watch the Mexican pole-vaulters win the gold, silver and bronze in the next Olympics.

Humans, Chimps May Have Bred After Split
Of course they did, look at the Arabs. You don’t need more proof than that!

Spiritual Renewal Leader Ousted For Sexual Behavior
The poor, mixed-up guy, he was taking Viagra for spiritual renewal.

Iraq Official Says Iran Has Right To Atomic Power Goal
Me and my cousin against the infidels.

Groups Mobilize As British Teachers Mull Boycott
They want to boycott Israeli scholars in order to bring Britain’s educational system down to Arab levels.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative, 
Not that he necessarily agrees with them. Not even his own.

The Jews are known as “the people of the book,” the Israeli Jews are better known as “the people of the empty fields.”
- Diogenes

General Dayan will turn a blind eye on any attempt to interrupt the course of events.
- Anonymous Israeli official

It is our national joy to mistake the first-rate for the fecund rate.
- Dorothy Parker

Whatever happens we have got
The atom bomb, and they have not.
- Diogenes (with a tip of the lantern to Hilaire Belloc)

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
- Art Buchwald

Idiot, noun: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.
- Arthur Conan Doyle

There is only one class that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.
- Oscar Wilde

Originality is not seen in single words or even sentences. Originality is the sum total of a man’s thinking and writing.
- Isaac Bashevis Singer

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of of human freedom….the argument of tyrants,…the creed of slaves.
- William Pitt

We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.
- Algernon C. Swinburne



READER’S COMMENTS

All based on VOL.VI, #9

Re: WE’RE PUMPING GAS WHILE THE OIL COMPANIES ARE PUMPING US
I enjoyed the title piece, especially the analogy to G. B. Shaw. 

Re: THE DECLINE AND FALL OF A TITAN
The next piece was not so enjoyable, especially the fate wished on the present P.M.
(for shame).

Re: QUOTES I LIKE
As for the quotes, I enjoyed them all, esp. those of Diogenes. I have a rewrite for the one by anon. "You can make someone love you. All you need do is call them and call them and call them until they get hooked on the song you are singing." (based on: "I've learned you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."

Re: WE’RE PUMPING GAS WHILE THE OIL COMPANIES ARE PUMPING US
Your remarks on the oil prices shows your stupidity on its economics and politics. It was the democrats that did not want to drill or develop more refineries, rather to deal with the arabs. Also more demands always raises prices regardless of the product. even nature interferes with supplies. This is a capitalist country, it costs to live here we still pay less than the europeans for gas. if you want more gas savings put pressure on the auto makers to make a car that uses less gas or other fuels. Why get the government into this. Stop using them on every problem 



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