THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
January 2007, VOL. VII, #1
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

A MAN OF FAITH; A WOMAN OF FAITH; AND THE CRAZIES*

Whenever I listen to President Bush’s blather about Iraq, I realize that he is truly a man of faith.” Not necessarily a man of judgment, but most definitely, a man of faith—a sincere man of faith. He meets with Maliki, the prime minister of Iraq and believes what prime minister tells him. This is despite his record of not delivering on past assurances. He promises what just about everyone knows, he cannot deliver and, most likely, he does not want to deliver. Let’s not even consider that he is an Arab and that lying is an integral part of Arab culture. So, for the president of the United States, to believe in what the prime minister says, and to base American policy and the welfare of our troops on his promises surely requires a man of faith.

Unfortunately, I remember our president saying that he looked into Putin’s eyes and saw that he could be trusted. So much for judgment and faith as practiced in the White House. President Bush should have looked into the eyes of some of the folks that Putin sent to labor camps before the decision-maker jumped to his conclusion.

The woman of faith is our very own Condoleeza Rice or Reich as one pundit calls her.
American officials who are active in international relations should be aware of the above-stated rule-of-thumb when dealing with Arabs but, obviously, they do not. President Abbas made all kinds of peaceful promises in his discussions with our secretary of state. None of which he intends to fulfill or is even capable of fulfilling. Since he made these promises in English, he does not even consider them lies. Being a woman of faith, she of course, believed him. She made promises of money and arms which she fully intends to fulfill.

You may wonder why I haven’t included the men and women of the Israeli leadership among the people of faith. The decision is simple. The Israeli leaders fall far beyond the reasonable boundaries of faith. I classify them as insane—certifiably insane—so their decisions are not based on any activity in their frontal lobes. Their only connection with sanity is that they don’t claim—in public—that they are Napoleon or Moses or Cleopatra.



PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ISLAM #3

Our nation’s willingness to sacrifice their blood, souls, children, fathers and families is an advantage over the Jews who guard their lives.
- Hassan Nasrallah, Shiite leader of Hezbollah

If they (Jews) gather in Israel, it will save us the trouble of going after them worldwide.
- Hassan Nasrollah

In the Hurriyah neighborhood of Baghdad, gunmen “grabbed six Sunnis as they left Friday worship services, doused them with kerosene and burned them alive near Iraqi soldiers who did not intervene.”
- News Report

Everything Yasser Arafat said and believed in his life is a legacy and we will do all our best to implement it.
- PA President Mahmoud Abbas

The base of our Fatah movement keeps dreaming of Tel Aviv, Haifa, Jaffa and Acco (Acre). Abbas recognizes Israel because of pressure that the Zionists and the Americans are exercising on him.
- Abu Ahmed

Today Gaza, tomorrow Jerusalem.
- Mahmoud Abbas

The Zionist regime is heading toward annihilation.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

There is no place for the state of Israel on this land.
- Hamas Foreign Minister Mahmoud Zahar 



BUSH BUMPER STICKERS: FOR MY “PROGRESSIVE” READERS

1) 1/20/09: End of an Error?

2) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

4) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8) Hey Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9) Impeachment: It's Not Just for sex Anymore

10) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

11) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

12) Jail to the Chief

13) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

14) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design has flaws.

15) Bad President! No Banana.

16) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

17) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

18) Is It Vietnam Yet?

19) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

20) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

21) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

22) Pray For Impeachment

23) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

24) What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

25) One Nation Under Clod

26) 2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

27) Bush Never Exhaled

28) At Least Nixon Resigned



NEOLOGISM AWARDS…FOR MY MORE LITERATE READERS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

This name fits: Doggie Doo Everything: a service for dogs & their owners, Stamford, CT.

This one doesn’t fit: he wrote bogus checks to a bank in the building where he lives; his name is Kevin Bright!



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS*
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes

Carter Wins Applause At Brandeis
Once again, we have met the enemy, and once again, he is us!

China Tests Anti-Satellite Weapon, Unnerving U.S.
Not to worry; in a couple months they’ll be selling them at Wal-Mart.

Lawsuit Reopens Old Wounds In German-Polish Dispute
Achtung!!! It’s borders again, and I don’t mean the bookstore.

Democrats Plan Symbolic Votes Against Iraq Plan 
In order to oppose Bush’s plan to send 20,000 more symbolic soldiers to Iraq?

Bush Watchers Wonder How He Copes With Stress
What stress?

Gerald Ford Dies At 93
Not too bad for 18 holes. Not too good for 9 holes.

N.Y.U. Mines Personal Data To Gain Edge In Money Race
Mining is bad when the miners’ initials are FBI, CIA or NSA, but it’s OK when the initials are NYU.

Israel’s Mixed Messages (NY Times editorial headline)
The editorial messages from the Times are never mixed when it comes to weakening Israel—they are always for it.

Saddam Urges Iraqis To Seek Coexistence 
He certainly showed them how.

Bush Taking More Time To Craft Iraq Plan
He is serious, he sent out for more Lego pieces.

Egypt: Ten More Die Of Bird Flu
The revenge of the Ibis.

50 Boys Who Were Force To Work At Factories In India Are Freed
Did they get Nikes as a parting gift?

Spain: Bishop Rejects Muslim Prayers In Cathedral
Was a fatwa issued sentencing him to death?

Lame Duck Bush Entering Rougher Waters
If Lame Duck Bush wasn’t swimming in the Tigris he wouldn’t have had his leg shot off and he would not be lame.

The Rush To Hang Saddam Hussein (New York Times editorial)
Though they don’t like the “rush” to hang Saddam, they are quick to join every rush to condemn Israel.

Israel Says Egypt Sends Weapons To Abbas’ Forces With Israel And U.S. Approval
1. Smart Arabs; Stupid Westerners!!!
2. The only difference between Abbas and Hamas is timing.

Bag Handlers Held In Theft Of Luggage In Houston
1. At least the thieves are not outsiders.
2. With a little imagination they could be an asset to terrorists.
3. I’ll bet the company that runs the airport doesn’t lose its contract.

Saddam Hussein Hanged
1. This is more rewarding than hanging chads.
2. Too bad, there is no Heaven without St. Peter?
Scenario A
1. He kicks in the gate to Shia heaven where he demands 70 virgins immediately. and shouts, while rubbing his neck, that everyone bow down to him. 
2. In a nanosecond, Ali grabs hold of his noose and tightens it until Saddam’s head is severed from his body


Scenario B
1. He arrives in Sunni heaven and haggles with Muhammad whether he should be given martyr status.
2. He finally accepts 35 virgins
3. He strangles the first eight virgins as damaged goods because they have blue eyes.
4. He gathers his sons and plans a revolt against the Top Turban, the Highness of Hudna, the Sheikh of Shaheed, the Inquisitor of Islam….

Troops To Get Safer Garb
This time the garb will come from Lord & Taylor, last time it came from Filene’s basement.

Barenboim Shares Passion For Music
It would be refreshing if he developed a passion for Israel and Jews.

Threat Of Kidnapping Shadows Children Of Rich Mexicans
And those rich Mexican drug lords allow them to get away with it? 

Execution Provides U.S., Iran With Common Ground
Now than Saddam is gone the Iranians want to hang George W. Bush and the Americans want to hang Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. That’s what I call common ground.

Furor Grows At Anti-Zionist Sect
How dare they compete with all those left wing anti-Zionists in Israel?

New Warsaw Archbishop Quits Over Collaboration With Secret Police
I hope he didn’t get involved with those secret police altar boys.

Iraq To Examine Abusive Conduct Toward Hussein
That “abuser” wimp should be sent to advanced abuse school to learn more techniques.

Bush Tax Cuts Offer Most For Very Rich, Study Finds
He figures that if God looks kindly on those people, why shouldn’t he.

Morocco: 2 Journalists On Trial For Others’ Jokes
All one said to the other was: “Did you hear the one about the two Muslims who meet in a bar”?

Kazahkistan: Prime Minister Steps Down
Does it have anything to do with Borat?

Bush Presses For No Child Left Behind Law Renewal
Is this part of anti-abortion stand?

Ex-Official Of Red Cross Is Charged With Fraud
He’ll be well-taken-care-of; a dozen American veterans have promised to bring him donuts while he is in prison.

California: $1 Billion In Citrus Losses
And Fred Allen said that only an orange could be happy in California.

Border Agent Kills Immigrant; Mexican Government Protests
They believe that only they are allowed to kill immigrants in the vicinity of Mexico.

S. M. U. Chiefs Says Bush Library Would Be Boon For The Campus
The Cartoon Museum also is looking for a home. What an exciting combination that would be.

Bush Proposes Broadening The No Child Left Behind 
Michael Devlin Agrees.

Lebanese Shia-Majority Army Won’t Fire On Rioters
What should we expect from the Shia-Majority Iraqi Army?

Parish Removes Bust Of Its Longtime Pastor
They should have removed a lower part of his body so that they wouldn’t have had to remove his bust.

Despite Crackdown, Migrants Stream Into South Mexico
Why doesn’t the government start a guest worker program?

Olmert: IDF Retaliation Will Be Small In Scale
Small man: small retaliation.

Spanish Town Observes "Palestinian Genocide Day"
But keep those Jewish tourist dollars flowing.



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative,
Not that he necessarily agrees with them. Not even with his own.

George W. Bush removed the American commander in Iraq, General George Casey and replaced him with Gen, Westmoreland. Who said Iraq was George Bush’s Viet Nam?
- Diogenes

Ted Kennedy said that Iraq is George Bush’s Viet Nam. He was wrong, George Bush knew how to get out of Viet Nam.
- Jay Leno

When I first said that I wanted us to put together a late-night comedy writing team that would only be 80 percent Ivy League-educated Jews, people thought I was crazy. They said you need 90, 95 percent. But we proved them wrong.
- Jon Stewart

The first time I met Bush 43, I knew he was different. Two things became clear. One, he didn’t know very much. The other was he had the confidence to ask questions that revealed he didn’t know very much.
- Richard Perle

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
- George W. Bush

Desert Storm was a stirring victory for the forces of aggression and lawlessness.
- Dan Quayle

I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education up to power.
- Arnold Schwarznegger

We did not—repeat, did not—trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we.
- Ronald Reagan (November 1986)

A few months ago, I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.
- Ronald Reagan (March 1987)

If I see someone come in that’s got a diaper on his head and a fan belt wrapped around the diaper on his head, that guy needs to be pulled over.
- Jon Cooksey (Louisiana representative)

After two years in Washington, I miss the sincerity and genuineness of Hollywood.
- Fred Thompson

A man without force, is without the essential dignity of humanity. Human nature is so constituted, that it cannot honor a helpless man, although it can pity him.
- Frederick Douglass

The tragedy of Henry Kissinger is that he is a very large intellect joined to a very small man.
- Mark Danner

Henry Kissinger lies like most people breathe.
- Seymour Hersh

To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world says you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

I have a premonition that will not leave me; as it goes with Israel so it will go with all of us. Should Israel perish the Holocaust will be upon us.
- Eric Hoffer (1968)

Now that Taco Bell has solved its E-coli problem it should change its slogan to “Think outside of the emergency room.”
- Diogenes

The cell phone has given humankind the power of speech that it never had before. To bad it didn’t connect the power of speech to the power of thinking.
- Diogenes

At my age, when I get flowers I start to worry.
- Senior citizen bumper sticker

Saddam died doing what he loved to do: attend an execution.
- Jay Leno

Average citizen: Solomon, my king, America wants Israel to supply ammunition to the PA.
King Solomon: And if we refuse to give bullets to the Palestinians?
A.C: Then they’d like to know if we’d be willing to just shoot ourselves……..and avoid the middle men?
- Dry Bones (cartoon strip)

What is an Aryan?
Tall like Goebbels, slim like Goring,
Blonde like Hitler, masculine like Rohm.
That’s an Aryan.
- 1934 Berlin saying

Visit my blog, DIOGENES # XXI at http://diogenesxxi.blogspot.com/

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