THE DIOGENES REPORT
The Wit, Wisdom & Wituperation of Emanuel L. Strunin
“a few steps ahead of the curve”
April 2007, VOL. VII, #5
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(Items marked with an * were written by Diogenes.)

THE HIJACKERS*

The world, as usual, was surprised when the Arabs and other Muslims started to hijack airliners, but it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Hijacking has long been an integral part of their culture and religion. A few examples will support my contention.

A critical genealogical sequence in the Torah which was given to the Jewish nation almost 2,000 years before Muhammad was even in diapers was hijacked and twisted by that gentleman and his writers of the Koran. The Torah states, without any ands ifs or buts, that Isaac will carry forward his father Abraham’s role as the progenitor of the Jewish nation. As for Abraham’s other son, Ishmael, the Torah states that he will also become the father of a nation—and the Arabs claim him as their founder. In its wisdom and perspicacity, the Torah states that Ishmael’s hand will be against every man and every man’s hand will be against him. And, the Arabs work very hard to live up to the Torah’s prediction.

In order to give his people and religion some legitimacy, Muhammad hijacked this story and changed it to where Ishmael was selected by Abraham to be his inheritor making the Jews cousins—albeit, distant cousins-to the Arabs, the true inheritors of Abraham’s legacy.

Another example is The Temple Mount in Jerusalem—the site of both the first and second Jewish temples—which has been hijacked by the Arabs. The warriors of “peace”—Islam—built two mosques on the temple mount. Of more recent times, they have even hijacked the identity of the Temple Mount calling it by another name—the noble sanctuary—and denying that it was ever the site of the Jewish temples. But since the Arabs are the Baron Munchausens of the world their lies also should not come as a surprise. 

A final example is the Eastern Orthodox St. Sophia Church, which was built in Constantinople in the 6th Century of the Common Era. In the 15th Century the Muslim Ottoman Turks hijacked the church and converted into a mosque. Today, it is an Istanbul 
Museum.



TRIPLE JEOPARDY*

The headline of George W. Bush’s visit to the troubled U.S. Army hospital read: 
“Bush Apologizes For Walter Reed Woes.” I feel that an “apology” to the wounded troops is woefully inadequate. Even if the President clothed himself in sackcloth and poured earth on his head, it would be inadequate. 

Our president and his administration put these American soldiers in not double, but triple jeopardy. The Constitution protected Americans from just double jeopardy, so you can only imagine the un-Americanism that triple jeopardy implies. Our leaders subjected our military to unnecessary dangers—over and above the normal perils—of combat. There was no protective armor on many of their vehicles or adequate body protection for the soldiers themselves. That’s why so many of them are at Walter Reed. That’s the first jeopardy.

It was double jeopardy—which, I believe, is against the law-- when they stuck these wounded warriors into substandard facilities. Let us not lose sight of the fact that the members of the Administration, as well as the members of Congress get the finest medical care in well-maintained medical facilities. In addition, the wounded were forced to fill out multitudes of forms and run around to complete their paperwork with minimum—if any—assistance. And I’m not even counting this bureaucratic torture as a separate jeopardy. 

The experiences of the wounded veterans with the bureaucracy at the Veterans Administration makes it triple jeopardy. Problems with arranging timely follow-up treatment, with readily obtaining proper medications and with the quicksand swamp known as government paperwork is inexcusable.

On the basis of this triple jeopardy alone, every U.S. serviceman and woman should be removed from Iraq and Afghanistan before another one of these Americans is subjected to this type of treatment.



CHUTZPAH

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jew from Tunis.

Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."


Bill Gates asks all the candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent college diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croatian but what the hell! - Have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.

He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baroukh ata Adonaï".

The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melekh ha'olam



A LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.



NAMES
Names that fit and names that don’t.

Here’s a name that fits: Dr. Perry Shear, an orthopedic surgeon in Fairfield, CT.
Here is one that doesn’t: Dr. Jeffrey A. Bash, an orthopedic surgeon in Middletown, CT.



HEADLINES AND COMMENTS
Headlines from the world’s press. Comments by Diogenes*

Israel Warns Of Hamas Military Buildup In Gaza
This announcement should be taped and played full blast continuously in Sharon’s hospital room with the hope that he hears it through his coma.

Bush Apologizes For Walter Reed Woes
To make up for these shortcomings, he vows to upgrade all hospitals in Iraq that treat Iraqi soldiers and police. What a guy, what a humanitarian!

Arabs Who Sold Home To Hebron Jews Arrested, Face Death Penalty
That could put a bigger crimp in the real estate market than variable rate mortgages.

Poll: Most Americans Oppose Palestinian State, More Concessions
Probably, not many progressive Jewish participants in this poll.

Supreme Court: Punish Anti-Expulsion Protesters To Deter Others
The Israeli left screams that they want a “democratic” state, but Israel keeps moving more to the totalitarian side like its Arab neighbors.

Jordan Unions In Uproar Over Invitation To Israeli Enemy
There is an old spiritual that has the lines, “I’m going over, over Jordan; I’m going over, over home….” Someone should go over Jordan and clean out that Arab cesspool that’s polluting Jewish land.

Truck Bomb Releases Chlorine, Kills 27 In Iraq
They can hang “Chemical Ali,” but his sons are alive and active.

In Iraq, A U.S. Officer’s Answer To Violence: Build A Wall
Where are the left-wing and other Jew-hating demonstrators who opposed the Israeli fence?

New Tax Breaks Are Fueling The Alpaca Market
Unfortunately, only the 1 % of the alpacas with the richest coats is benefiting.

Retired General Barry McCaffrey: The Situation On The Ground (In Iraq) Has “Measurably Improved”
Is this the same General Barry McCaffrey who won America’s “War on Drugs?”

Vatican Urges Women Not To Act Like Men
I truly understand the Vatican’s position on this issue, it confuses the Catholic priests.

A Catch-22 Keeps Willing Army Officer Out Of Iraq
Will two Catch-11s keep an unwilling officer out of Iraq?

Chinese Union Faults Yum, McDonalds
The problem: they only offer Column A selections, no Column B.

For Gonzales, More Records And Questions
1. He’s more seedy Gonzales than speedy Gonzales.
2. Has anyone checked if he has a green card?

Gas Cartel Gains Traction With Alliance Set To Meet
Are the individual gas producers—the farters—going to remain unrepresented?

PA Finance Minister: I Don’t Know Where The Aid Money Goes
Has he checked his bank accounts in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands lately?

Mexico Tries To Save A Big Fading Oil Field
1. Let’s hope they save it. Because, if you think there’s a problem with Mexican illegals now, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
2. I’ll bet you thought I was going to mention farters again. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Behind The Fall Of Imus, A Digital Brush Fire
Diogenes will now demonstrate how the brush fire consumed the digits: $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ * ….

Community Leaders Tackle Issues Of Interfaith Grieving
Oy vey!! My son wants to marry a Christian girl/boy.

Fired Officials Keep Some Healthcare
But they can only use doctors whose licenses have been revoked for malpractice.

Catholic Clergy Sex-Abuse Claims Down
Those courses in the seminary on masturbation and sheep husbandry sure worked wonders.

GSS: Israeli Arabs Are An Existential Danger To Israel
Who says the Jews aren’t smart? It’s pure genius on the part of the Israeli security officials.

Hamas Recruits Children To Terror Squads Via TV Programs
Sesame Street, Arab version.

War And Liquor A Perilous Mix For U.S. Troops
Somehow it wouldn’t be so perilous without the war.

Arab IDF NCO Indicted For Stealing Weapons, Selling To PA
1. I am not going to ask why he was in the IDF.
2. The PA was foolish to buy the weapons. They could have got them for free from the Israeli Government.

Court Overturns Uganda’s Adultery Law
A number of American politicians are planning to become citizens of Uganda.

Abortion Plan In Mexico City Shakes Catholic Land
1. The Minutemen are supporting the law.
2. American employers are fighting the law.

Britain Aims To Isolate Muslim Extremists, Official Says
Suppose the whole Muslim populace doesn’t want to resettle in Ulster?

Rivlin: If Elected, I Won’t Prevent Barghouti’s Release
1. But he will prevent Pollard’s release
2. I prefer that the rapist remains as president instead of any of the scumbags that are fighting to replace him.
3. This is a candidate from the “nationalist” party, so you can imagine the others.

Pelosi Nudges Saudi Arabia To Give Women A Role In Politics 
The Saudis like the idea of nudging women, but not giving them a role in politics.

30 Terror Attacks Perpetrated By Terrorists Freed From Prison
1. That’s what happens when you reach out in friendship to the Arabs.
2. It’s shame that the attacks aren’t perpetrated on the officials that released them.

Louisiana: Higher Offshore Platforms
USA: higher onshore gas prices.

13 Detainees Reported On Hunger Strike At Guantanamo
At least they’ll know how their fellow black Muslims in Darfur feel.

Child Psychiatrist Accused Of Molesting
Why did he become a child psychiatrist? Because that’s where the kids are. It’s like what Willie Sutton said. He robbed banks because that’s where the money is.

Dutch Soldiers Stress Restraint in Afghanistan
They should take their fingers out of the dikes, or wherever else they have them, and put them around the triggers on their rifles, that is if they were issued rifles.

Some Hospitals Call 911 To Save their Patients
I guess they know the quality of their doctors.

Old Church Becomes Mosque In Uneasy Britain
They’ll really get nervous when it happens to Westminster Abbey.

New Bar Codes Can Talk With Your Cell Phone
But can your cell phone fix you up with old blondes in a bar?



QUOTES I LIKE
Diogenes considers them clever and/or informative,
Not that he necessarily agrees with them. Not even with his own.

Remember the American battle cry: “don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes?”
Now, take note of the Israeli version: “don’t shoot until you’re sure you can’t hit them.”
- Diogenes

A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something. Not that he’s cruel. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s not big enough.
- Stephen Leacock

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
- Stanislaw Lec

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
- Fran Lebowitz

In my youth there were words you couldn’t say to a girl. Now you can’t say girl.
- Tom Lehrer

Epigram: a wisecrack that played Carnegie Hall.
- Oscar Levant

We have trained men to think of the Future as a promised land which favored heroes attain—not as something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, or whoever he is.
- C. S. Lewis

I do most of my work sitting down; that’s where I shine.
- Robert Benchley

The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.
- Lenny Bruce

War is too serious a business to be left to computers.
- Art Buchwald

Abstract art: a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
- Al Capp

My only qualification for being put at the head of the Navy is that I am very much at sea.
- Lord Carson

The man who works and is not bored is never old.
- Pablo Casals

I have standard Russian-Jewish parents. My dad is a math professor. They have a certain attitude about studies. And I think I can relate that here because I was told that your school recently got seven of the 10 top places in a math competition throughout all Israel. What I have to say is, in the words of my father: What about the other three?
- Sergey Brin (co-founder of Google)

If thought corrupts language, language also corrupts thought.
- George Orwell



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